Rei's Fascination
by YoungBoch
Summary: Rei is far from a god, but also far from human. She finds pleasure in her lonely world by examining the mistakes of others, and even finding comfort in them. Watching others suffer, especially those she despises, seems to be her forte. COMPLETE!
1. Shikinami's Choice

A/N – This is something that came to me not too long ago. For this fic, assume the two new movies are the universe at hand, and I'm picking up shortly after Shinji tried to save Rei. For the sake of this fic, assume he didn't save Rei, but avoided the Third Impact. Let's see where it goes…

Chapter 1: Shikinami's Choice

I fought it at first. With all my might, I swear to you I fought it, but some things simply are not meant to be avoided. I was ignorant, saying that I couldn't live anywhere else outside of the angel. Sure, on a humanistic sense I do suppose this is true, but in the sense of reality, nothing is further from the truth. I have supreme power without being a god; I am all knowing without opening my eyes to the world; I am eternally wise, regardless of the fact that I'm no more than twenty years along in my life.

Years… funny how that words strikes fear into people. With time, undoubtedly, comes change, and all humans fear change. Ex-pilot Shikinami is far from an exception. Shortly after my assumed death, the last of the angels were killed, leaving the remaining pilots somewhat drifting in oblivion. They were regarded as heroes – rock stars almost – but this fame only lasts so long when they don't have anything else to give. Time has become irrelevant to me, but I know very well that it hasn't become so to my former peers. Some would call me a guardian angel, but I simply consider myself a watcher of things to come. I have the power to intervene, but I know it is better if I stay out of any meddling. Plus, the human aspect of me is still very much present, and I love to watch her suffer.

I find the most pleasure when I'm physically inside the person I'm watching, and more than anything with her, I like to place myself in her shoes. I can't control what she does, but I think what she thinks, feel what she feels, and know what she knows. This is a girl that is far from new to the world and how it works. She had all the right curves a boy would want, and those curves only matured into something all men desired. A modern day Aphrodite. But I get ahead of myself… no, her story, I assume, starts just a few weeks after the final angel fell. I love to reply the scenario in my mind.

-Five years ago-

-Misato's Apartment, Asuka's Mind-

"Another day, another interview," I fall back onto my bed, surrounded in the boxes that were never unpacked, and carefully rub my bad eye. I've been able to walk around without the eye patch for a few days now, but it's still ridiculously sensitive to light, leaving me with a pounding headache by day's end. Shinji and I got back from the interview with some talk show host I've never heard of not long ago, but the actual interview ended hours previous. Just since the angels stopped coming, we've been invited all around the world to talk, but we haven't left the comfort of Japan. In fact, I was supposed to head back to Germany, but… well, frankly, I like it here. I like the party scene.

Misato had no idea Shinji and I went club hopping after the interview. Sure, we're barely fifteen, but no bouncer in the world would deny their saviors from entering. We don't drink – that's not my thing and he's too scared – but we certainly do have fun. We spent the night at a relatively shady part of the Red Light District, and another one of our endorphin-induced groping sessions unfolded in the back of the club up against the wall. I'm still very much a virgin, but the call of the wild can only be tamed for so long. When Shinji gets ahold of me, he turns into a completely different person… someone that almost scares me. He takes control; he knows what he wants and he knows how to get it. That's not to say I don't enjoy it, because saying that I do is an understatement. I'd never in a thousand years date that wimp, but as a boy toy he's more than enough. Sure, he gets to feel me, kiss me, and do almost anything short of penetration, but I get to _be_ felt. He worships my body, it really is as simple as that. He's no man, but he sure as hell acts like one when he gets it up. Probably a throw back from his father, no doubt.

It started off innocent enough. The last day we were in plug suits – something about erasing our psyche from our Evas or the like – was quite… odd, to say the least. I suppose none of this would have happened if Nerv hadn't been so cheap as to only offer a single locker room with a thin sheet separating the two of us. While still in my plug suit, I realize that I went into the wrong side of the sheet, leaving Shinji and I in opposite 'stalls' to change. I tell him to switch spots with me, and he does so compliantly as he always does, but a certain wandering eye of his caught my attention. All I did was give him an aggressive smirk as I changed into my normal school clothes as he watched.

From there things naturally evolved. Watching me turned into kissing me, which turned into feeling me, which turned into one step before the actual intercourse. He knows not to overstep the boundaries, because the second he does, I'm out. I've never said it outwardly to him, but I refuse to be taken by the likes of _him_. I want a real man, not some punk that just so happens to have a wild streak. Never getting off, though, doesn't quite work either… much needed relief was always done on my own. I won't be controlled that much by him. When I was done, I didn't even bother changing out of my clothes – I just rolled onto my side, got my panting under control, and fell asleep. Not a bad night, if I do say so myself.

"Breakfast," Shinji calls out from the kitchen, and there was clearly more than one person rustling around out there. Now that Nerv is essentially dead, Misato has a lot more free time, though I have no idea where she's getting money from.

"You slept like that?" Misato spoke through the beer can to her lips with a raised eyebrow. I was still in my crimson red sun dress that I unfortunately forgot about.

"Yeah, I was wiped last night," I sat in front of the plate of basic breakfast food already made up, "I'm starting to get sick of these interviews, seriously. Sure, we're getting paid, but it's just annoying. Don't you think, Shinji?"

"I don't mind it. At least they're acknowledging us," of course _he_ would like the attention, "But on that topic, what's going to happen to Nerv?" Misato finished off her beer, but lacking that certain pizazz she usually has.

"They're keeping it open, but firing almost all employees. Luckily, they kept me on the payroll. But I'm more interested in you two," she leans back and crosses her arms, "What time did you get home last night?"

"Seven," without a beat, I answer. The quicker you lie, the more believable it is!

"Interesting, because I called you at eight and you didn't answer. Care to try another lie or do you just want to tell me the truth?" wow, she's actually pretty good when she wants to be, "Keep in mind you're under _my_ roof. That goes for you too, Shinji," great, that idiot will break under any kind of pressure.

"Fine, we went to a party yesterday after the interview. It wasn't a big deal, I just thought that it'd be nice to unwind, you know?" she didn't need to know the party wasn't at a friend's house.

"What did you two do at the club, if I may ask?" how did she…? A few seconds of silence passes before she closes her eyes and speaks up again, "Shinji, would you mind stepping out for a few minutes? I need to talk to Asuka. Alone."

"Yes, ma'am," don't you dare leave me! Being the spineless boy he was, he was soon out of the room.

"Having fun with him?" the instant the front door closed, she opened her eyes with a cold look on her face, "Hm?" there's no point in trying to hide anymore, I guess…

"Yeah, I am," I tried to speak as confidently as I could, "I may not be an adult, but I'm more than capable of choosing when I'm ready to-"

"I agree completely," then what the hell is this about? "But he isn't. You may not know this, but he's still mourning over Rei. The same way you're using him, he's using you. Do you really think he's looking at you when you let him have his way? He's thinking of Rei. Now, you might not care, but the fact of the matter is that it's unhealthy for him. Since Rei died, he's been on antidepressants, which is why his attitude has changed recently. He loved that girl, Asuka, and you're not letting him heal."

"It's not my problem if he's love struck. Plus, what teenage guy _wouldn't_ want this?" I hold out my arms for emphasis, which clearly pissed her off, "I'm doing him a favor. And for your information, we haven't slept together. We haven't even gotten each other off. You don't have to believe me, but it's the truth," I get up and start to storm off to my room. Why is it my problem that he can't move on? I'm not his mother!

"You may not care for him, but you should at least have common courtesy," oh, like she's one to talk! She's been leading Kaji on for years! I brush out my dress, thank the lord it's not wrinkled, and storm out of the house. I don't need this from her! I've lived my entire life without her help, and I damn sure can continue doing it! No, you know what? Forget this! I have plenty of money saved up – I can rent out a monthly hotel. I'm not about to be treated like some child.

"If you need me, you have my phone number," I walk quickly past Shinji, clenching my fists and jaw with enough force to make diamonds. He called after me, but I couldn't so much as pay a single bit of attention to him.

-Present-

-Rei's Mind-

I couldn't help but break a small smile at that whole incident. If she had just turned around and stopped being a brat or at least calmed down, she would have been fine. None of this would have ever happened, and hey, who knows? She could have made it to the age of twenty.

A/N – Not really much to say here… what do you guys think? You can pretty much tell where the story is generally going, so tell me if it's worth continuing. I know this was a short chapter, but it's only an intro. I usually average 5k-10k words per chapter. I'll see you all next chapter, so keep on keepin' on!


	2. Liebe

Chapter 2: Liebe

I suppose the only _bad_ aspect of that foul mouthed brat leaving Misato's home was that Shinji became even more upset; it appears as if even the small things began to get to him. Between my apparent death, his father leaving for Europe on extended employment, and Asuka essentially running away to God knows where, Shinji was starting to break. I didn't realize this before, but that boy really did love me. Sure, I cared for him, but nothing near what he felt towards me. It's almost a little disturbing now that I know the truth about myself, but it doesn't matter now. And those antidepressants Misato is having Shinji take? Yeah, he never even opened the bottle. You think they'd keep a better eye on a child with known emotional problems. At the very least make sure he's not cutting himself, right? Though, I guess, he grew up just fine. But I'm getting ahead of myself…

-Five Years Ago-

-Misato's Apartment, Shinji's Mind-

"So you have no idea where she is?" Misato spoke as she dialed Asuka's number yet again, only to have it cut off before it even reached the voicemail. Asuka was clearly screening her calls and hanging up immediately. I didn't need to respond, there was no point. If I knew where she went, I would have told Misato a long time ago. I don't trust that she'll stay out of trouble, "Damn it Asuka, pick up!" it's been three days since Asuka left, and I haven't heard from her since. She told me to call her if I needed anything, but apparently she changed her mind, and I get the same treatment as Misato, "I'm going to kill that girl, I swear."

"I think she just needed some time," she drops the phone on the sofa and rubs her eyes, "She'll be back, I'm sure."

"I doubt it. She's a teenage girl, she's probably convincing herself right now that it's better wherever she is," I've never seen Misato this upset before… it's a little unsettling. Part of me was angry with Asuka for putting her through this, but the majority of me was just worried. I don't care for her on a deep emotional level – not in the least – but she certainly is a friend, and I know very well that she doesn't always make the best decisions. Hell, the last night we spent together she probably would have started drinking if I hadn't stopped her. Come on Asuka… just come home… "You know what I just realized?" she broke the silence and looked up at the unpowered television with surprised eyes, "It's been three days. As self-conscious as she is, there's no way that girl has gone all this time without changing clothes or showering. Sure, she could shower in a bathroom, but that doesn't solve clothes. She must be at a friend's house, right?"

"I guess, yeah, but all I can think of is Hikari and I have no idea where she lives," her fingers flutter across her cellphone keypad, and she was quickly speaking to someone.

"I need the address of a Hikari in Shikinami's class. Text it to me when you have it," without a single greeting or goodbye, she hung up, "I'm going to _kill_ Asuka, I swear."

"Maybe go easy on her? I think something else could be bothering her."

"Oh, she'll have plenty to worry about when I get through with her," her phone rang with Hikari's address, and she was soon on her way out. I decided to follow her – if Asuka was there, Misato would only make things ten times worse. I'm a little scared that Asuka isn't there, though… if she's not, I'm at a loss.

-Present-

-Rei's Mind-

Ah, yet another fork in the road where she could have been saved. So many dominoes, no? Shinji's fear of ever truly being alone and true worry for that red headed junkie led him to ride along with Misato. Knowing him, if he had stayed home, he could have easily convinced her to stay when she had a moment of weakness and chose to come home. Instead, she was left with enough time to rationalize in that mind of hers that coming back was a mistake. Many would call me cruel for finding pleasure in her near-salvation, but I was kept in an emotional cage for far too long to deny myself the privilege of feeling my true emotions. The drugs that Akagi shoved down my throat on a daily basis kept me under control… if by 'under control' you mean mentally and physically crippled to do anything but pilot. They robbed me of any normalcy I could have possibly had, and Asuka only took advantage of the entire situation. I may not love Shinji, but like Misato said, I at least showed him common courtesy. She deserved every ounce of what happened to her.

And there goes my anger again. The bad part about being off of the drugs is that I never really learned to control my emotions growing up since I never had them in the first place, so the smallest emotion can snowball into an avalanche in my mind. Luckily for the people I have enough self-control to not let out my wrath.

But no… more than anything, the reason why I hate her so much is actually a small case of jealousy. She was given everything in this world – a perfect mind that let her pursue anything she wanted, a high rank in the military, amazing looks, money, and damn near anything else one could think of. What did she do with all of these gifts? She threw them away like they were nothing! I wasn't given a choice of a normal life, so when I died no one but Shinji mourned… and hell, even _that_ was taken away from me when you decided he was better put to use feeling you up! But you know what? I'm glad. I could have done away with her from the very beginning, but I chose not to. Nothing I could have done would have been worse than what she put herself through.

-Five Years Ago-

-Misato's Place, Asuka's Mind-

"I knew coming back was a bad idea. Thank God they weren't home," carrying the duffle bag full of my clothes, I walk out of the empty apartment for, what I hope, was the last time. When they didn't answer the door, I simply let myself in and quickly realized how stupid I was being. I left for a reason! That being said, the least I could do is get back my clothes and a few cosmetic necessities.

I should really pick up the phone next time Shinji calls… sure, he's just going to try and convince me to come back, but that will only last a few minutes. I mean, after all, I _did_ tell him to call me, and yet here I am ignoring all of his efforts. Hey, at the very least, I could have a little bit of fun with him, no? But beyond that, it'd be nice to have someone to talk to for once. Three days alone is just a bit too much for me. Yeah, I think I'll call him later on today. Plus, I'd like to show him what I've picked up on, he could use the relaxation… apparently clubs are good for something when the right people approach you.

Within an hour, I was back 'home' in my single room hotel. At first, the owner wasn't willing to rent it out to a kid, but this kid has a few tricks of her own. Leaning over the table and flashing a little bit of cleavage changed his mind damn quick. It was a fairly basic living space: a stand-in shower with a toilet in a bathroom no bigger than a small closet, a so-called kitchen composed of a tiny fridge and sink, and the living space where a bed rested with a nearby sofa in front of a television. It wasn't dirty by any means; it was just sort of in a bad area. Actually, I think this is where Rei used to live… though I could be wrong.

"I always told myself I wouldn't be that kind of teenager," still smirking, I fall back onto the sofa with my hands behind my head and looking up at the ceiling. Three days on my own and I've already made a couple friends. Sure, I still consider myself alone for the time being, but that's only because I don't really _know_ them. They seem like decent people though – I've always been horrible with names, and what they introduced me to wasn't exactly helping the cause.

On my first night out, I decided that going out and meeting some new people wouldn't be a bad idea. Not really wanting to meet people twice my age, I opted for a typical hangout spot for high school kids – the mall. The food court quickly introduced me to a small group, only five, of what some would call punks. You know, the typical teenagers that hang around all day and don't really do anything… not like I'm much better. The only difference between me and them is my lack of soliciting. Of course, we ended up talking and eventually made our way to one of the guy's house. I've never really been immersed in the environment where drugs would even be an option, which is why when the older male pulled out a bag of what appeared to be oregano, I was shocked. I'm not ignorant – I know very well what it was, I just was far from expecting it. I never said it, but they all knew very well I was a virgin to the stuff, so they went easy on me. a single hit was all I needed to feel the effects… drug tolerance has never been my forte.

In short? I freaking loved the stuff. That was probably the best night of my life, and it was all because of a little high! We didn't even do anything – just sat around and talked. But it was fun! No worries, you know? I think Shinji would like this too… which is why I bought a pipe and a small amount from the guy. He was still a teenager, though no younger than seventeen; his living was clearly based on selling drugs, specifically marijuana. He had a back room absolutely filled with growing plants, and a side room where he dried them out. I'll be sure to stay in contact with him.

I've had my phone in my hand for the past hour, hoping that either Shinji would call or I would find the courage to text him. The absolute only reason why I haven't texted him is because I'm sure he and Misato are sitting right next to each other, probably worrying about me… whatever, he'll call eventually, right? Two hours of annoyed sighs, slight chuckles from the television, and munching on salt crackers later, that predictable little idiot calls me just like I knew he would. Of course, I let it ring for as long as possible.

"Hey Third, what's up?"

"W-What's up? What do you mean? Where are you?" I suppose I should have expected that reaction…

"Is Misato in the room with you?" a short pause gave me my answer, "Yeah, thought so. I'll talk to you later!"

"Hold on! No, she's not here, I swear. Let me come talk to you, please," jeez, never thought even he could sound that pleading, "Are you at least safe?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Got a pen and paper?" thirty seconds later, I had given him directions to my apartment and hung up the phone. I changed into a pair of denim shorts and a tight black t-shirt – everything else was wrinkled beyond use. I'll have to get to work on that tonight, but for now, this is fine.

It'll be good to talk to someone I know! You know what? I'm in a good mood. Why don't I cook for him for once? Hell, I haven't even tried that since before my accident… "Ah crap," no food. I've pretty much married this amazing ramen place down the street – they, of course, sell ramen, but they also sell quite a bit of Western food… a little ironic, but whatever. Honestly, people over there eat bowls of lettuce? How is that possibly a meal? If it doesn't have some kind of meat or fish, I don't want it. And hell, the fresher the better! Back in Germany, seafood was certainly available, but not nearly as common as it is here. Beef, on the other hand, was amazing! Just through proxy, I ended up eating my steaks similar to how one of my guardians at the time ate them – rare as rare can be. Twenty seconds on the grill for each side, slap it on a plate, and there you go! Thankfully, that ramen place sells nice chunks of meat for a good price. I suppose walking there could suffice…

"Coming, coming," the doorbell finally rang when it was about six in the evening, "Welcome to my humble abode," he was clearly irritated as he entered, and I simply smiled at him, "What, you don't like it? I'm hurt, I really am."

"Asuka, what are you doing? You can't just leave and rent your own place!" I sarcastically look around, "You know what I mean!"

"You're welcome to move in if you want," his head follows me as I walk by and sit on the sofa, crossing my legs, "I thought about it, so if you want, just bring your stuff over. The bed is obviously mine, but you can buy one for pretty cheap," he was clearly still angry with me. But why? I'm giving him a great opportunity!

"I'm not leaving Misato and neither should you. I think you're being real childish about this whole thing, don't you? 'Oh, I'll show you! I'll go live out on my own!' This is just stupid!" is _he_ yelling at _me_? Since when did our roles change?

"Hey, I didn't invite you over so you could chew me out," I cross my arms and finally lose the smile. Who does he think he is? "You know, I wanted to spend some time with you, but if you're going to be like this you can just leave. There's the door," I turn on the television and look past him. I can't believe I actually wanted to stay friends with this idiot! Who knew he could be so rude?

"You can come home whenever you want," he walks towards the door and stops at the frame right before leaving, "I make a plate for you every meal. Misato stays up all night worrying. I haven't slept since you left. There're people who care about you, remember that," I roll my eyes one last time before he leaves.

-Present-

-Rei's Mind-

Seeing Shinji like that actually would have made me weep if I had the ability. Not because I felt bad that he had unrequited love – and yes, at this point, he did believe that he loved her – but because I knew what would come to pass. He would grow up to see her digress more and more as the years passed, and he never truly got over her. Hell, he never really got over me. Sure, he had relationships throughout high school, and is dating a cute girl as a freshman in college right now, but he's never really loved any of them. The majority of them were simply place holders for his emotions or, on one or two occasions, no more than walking sex toys. The day he left that house, the Asuka he knew died permanently. She didn't change at all in that instant, but in the short amount of time between his leaving and his next visit, the proud, confident, stubborn young woman turned into something much viler, belonging in some public service announcement commercial.

I've had plenty of time to reflect on my emotions towards the boy. At the time of my death, I still don't believe that I loved him. I had strong feelings, absolutely, but no more than what two close friends would have. But as time passed and I looked down on him… it makes me loathsome of the fact that I'll never be with him. I know my past, and I know where I come from, but it doesn't matter! Do I love him now? I haven't the slightest clue – it's about the only thing I _don't_ know. But I know it could blossom into something beautiful between us… maybe one day, right Shinji? Looking down at him holding a beer and watching television in the dark at two in the morning, I just knew he could feel me smiling.

A/N – I actually like where this fic is going quite a bit… much more than my past works. Yeah, it's not quite as long as I would hope, but I'm thinking about keeping the chapters about 3k words long each. There's not as much content to speak on as my other works, so I'd rather focus on quality over quantity. For those of you also reading Game On!, I'm trying to do a chapter on this, a chapter on that, and back and forth. Anyway, now that you all have some more backstory, how do you like it? Anything you would like to see changed? Don't hesitate to tell me what you don't like or what you would like to see more of, I love it when readers give input to the story's evolution! I'll see you all soon, keep on keepin' on!


	3. Todesstrafe

Chapter 3: Todesstrafe

"Die Katze lief im Schnee…" her voice haunted through the house as if it were a poltergeist, sending a chill down even my spine. Every word dragged on for what seemed like an eternity, and she would put random pauses in between some words before continuing. It was clearly a song of some sorts, made obvious by the ever present small tone in her voice. At this point, I found it impossible to reside within her – it's just too cloudy, "Und als sie wieder raus kam…" it doesn't really matter, I was just as content looking down at the girl… well, I suppose even she deserves a little credit. Okay then, _woman_. Seventeen is close enough to be called a woman, I'd say, "Da hat sie weiße Stiefel an…" a small smirk crossed her face as she stared into oblivion, still curled up with her back against the wall in an unfamiliar corner. The bags under her eyes could have easily drooped to the floor if she allowed them, and the constant fiddling with an invisible object in her left hand never ceased. Sitting there in the corner, she was far from modest… why would she be, in her line of work? "O jemine," too many variables… no, I can't skip ahead like that. There has to be a definite starting point for all of this, doesn't there?

-Five Years Ago-

-Misato's Place, Shinji's Mind-

"Selfish, rude, obnoxious, irritating, narcissistic…!" I cut myself off as I speak into my pillow. It was starting to get wet again… why do the tears keep coming? She chose this for herself! But still, why was she able to leave so easily? She just walked out without as much as a 'goobye' or, at the very least, an insult. Those piercing blue eyes just stared right through me as if I were nothing… is that what she thinks? I mean no, we weren't in a serious relationship, but I'd like to think that we were in _some_ kind of a relationship. She let me that close for a reason, didn't she? Or, I guess, I could have just been a toy to her. No… no! She's not like that, even if she tries to make other people believe it!

I look over at the flashing digital display on my clock reading 2:07, and I finally accepted the fact that I wouldn't be going to school tomorrow. I'm not about to drag myself out of bed after two hours of sleep just to hear the teacher ramble on about history. Sitting next to my alarm was a slender, long black box holding what I planned on giving to her. It was far from anything special – just a basic thin silver chain – but it's what that damn thing represented that was important. I spent days trying to figure out how to ask her to dinner, and that was supposed to be given to her at the end of the night. The same day I decide to ask her out, she goes and runs off… God knows if she's alright.

How many weeks have gone by? Jesus, I don't even know… it hasn't been that many, but still more than I'd like to think about. I'd say it's been… four weeks? Yeah, that sounds about right I guess. About a month, if not just slightly over. No texts from her, nothing… I hope she's okay.

"Forget it," I'm sick of just thinking! I'm bringing her home _tonight_! I don't care if I have to take her kicking and screaming! She doesn't belong out there, it's as simple as that. She belongs here! I throw on a simple pair of jeans and a black t-shirt before scurrying out the door I didn't even bother putting socks on, "Pack your things, we're going home. No, too direct," I walk with a steady pace towards her apartment. It was roughly a mile away, but luckily for me, the entire path was lit by streetlights, "Just come home, we're worried about you. No, she'll just think we're weak," why don't I just say what I mean? "You're a selfish bitch that needs to be put in her place. Now get your things and come on," I chuckle a little. As if I'd ever say that to anyone, let alone her. The necklace is in my pocket, but I really have no idea why. She's not some dog I can tempt home with a treat, so why bother bringing it? Hell if I know, ask my subconscious.

When I finally reach her apartment, I let out a soft sigh of relief. A tiny, easily overlooked window sticker of the German flag stuck in the far upper corner of the window. Hey, at least I know she didn't move. That damn pride of hers is what got us into this mess! I remember back when she first moved in with Misato and I and how appalled she was that our doors didn't have locks, which is why I was so surprised when I saw her front door ever so slightly open. The actual door rested on the frame, giving it the illusion of being shut, but the locking mechanism wasn't even in the door frame, so anyone could just walk in. How could she do that in this neighborhood? Is she insane? All the more reason she needs to come with me. I'm not about ready for formalities, so I just walk in, though I keep my feet light. She's far from a morning person, and as angry as I am, she would match it and then some if I woke her up by startling her. A very faint amount of music could be heard in the single side room, though that door was closed completely. I stop outside it at first, contemplating exactly what I was going to say… I still haven't come up with anything. I decide to just swallow the fear and open the door.

"Asuka, we-" she was facing away from me when I first saw her, causing both of us to completely freeze. Her bra straps fell freely on her forearms as she cradled it, clearly in the process of removing it. Outside of that, a simple pair of panties covered the rest of her. I initially go to apologize, until I register the entire picture… namely her face. It was something like I've never seen… pure disgust. But not at me; it was something only a person in pain would show, but that fire in her eyes was still present.

"Hey, buddy, she's working here. Mind waiting your turn out there?" the owner of the lap she was straddling shooed me with a hand. He was a fairly large man, no younger that thirty five, and sitting on a single wooden chair in the middle of the floor as she hovered over him, "Shoo," I close the door and lean against the wall next to the door, eyes wide open and jaw hanging. What was she doing…? Who was that? No… no, this is all wrong! I tried not to think about what I saw, but all I could register was her bare back in front of some old pervert… is this what she's doing now? What seemed like an eternity passed before he walked out, scratching the scruff on his cheek as he left without a word. I instantly go in after he leaves to see her facing away from me, quickly getting dressed. Not a single piece of cloth covered her as she began.

"Asuka…"

"Yeah, whatever. Ask any questions you have and leave, I'm tired," how could she be so blunt about this?

"Who…" I trail off, not wanting to let the words out. She already has a large t-shirt on, and she began to put on pants, still facing away from me.

"Hell if I know. But his money was green. And before you ask, no, I'm not a hooker," then what did she call that? "Apparently jobs are hard to get when you're young, and I didn't have quite as much money as I thought saved up. I do lap dances, that's it," she finally turned to me, and I get my first real look at her face. The whites of her eyes were riddles with red streaks, and her usually well-kept hair looked as if she hasn't kept it for days, "Anything else? Or did you just come here to yell at me again?" the room fell completely silent as we stared at each other – the look of fury on her face, and the look of complete shock on mine. Nearly thirty seconds passed like this before the silence was broken by a growling stomach, "Just leave already," she walks past me and towards her bed in the middle of the room.

"How long has it been since you ate?" making my eyes widen even more, she actually laughs.

"Eating is a luxury. The rent on this damn place is the cheapest in the city, and I can still barely keep up," she starts readying her bed for a night's sleep, "But to answer your question, three days. Last thing I had to eat was…" she trailed off and smirks as she looked across the room in thought, "A bag of chips I found, I guess. Now do you mind?" she looks at me with that same broken smile.

"Come on, I'll take you out to eat. You pick the place," my voice was shaking, but I tried to ignore it as best as I could. Usually, I'd expect her pride to take over and refuse the help, but she was apparently much worse off than I thought.

"Fine, works for me. Come on," she walked into a pair of slippers as she grabbed her keys, "What do you want in return? I don't take handouts," I follow her out of the house, taking one last glance at that damn room.

"It's fine," she shoots a piercing stare at me. It's good to see that she's not completely broken, and I couldn't help but smile at her.

"I'm serious, I'm not some welfare case. What, you want a dance? Don't beat around the bush, you know I hate that," I literally got nauseous at what she said. She knows damn well that I'd never ask her to do something like that!

"Fine, then tell me what happened," I throw some forced sternness into my voice, "What made you start to do that?" she rolls her eyes and starts looking forward again.

"I told you, I can't get hired anywhere. This is the only thing I can get paid at."

"Then come home, please," I didn't mean to throw that last word in there…

"Shinji, it's beyond Misato," what happened to her voice? "She's annoying and I hate her, but she's not the reason I left. I'm sick of relying on other people. She was just the final straw," as we were walking, our hands bumped for the briefest of moments… she's cold, "You'll have to figure the rest out on your own," without me really realizing it, we came to somewhat of a strip mall full of darkened shops – all but one. We stood in front of a simple, dirty ramen restaurant, with a single cook in the back working on a man's meal – the only man in the shop, by the way, "It looks bad, but the food is great, trust me."

So we ate. And we spoke. Well, more precisely, _I_ ate and spoke, while _she_ devoured her meal and stayed quiet the whole time. I tried to be nonchalant with the whole situation; I told her about school, what she's missed, and even a few updates from Nerv that weren't even close to being relevant. We sat in a booth in the far corner where no one could see – as if there were people – and we stayed there long after she finished eating and I finished talking. I tried to be subtle about it, yet as forward as I could be at the same time, but I set out the box in front of her, off to the side. She looked at the box for a moment before meeting my eyes again, as if nothing changed in the least.

"How about I start coming over and bringing food? I mean, it'd be better if you just came home, but… I wouldn't mind," finally, she gave me the familiar smile of 'you're an idiot'.

"No, I don't take handouts. I already told you. And I can't afford to pay you," I paused for a moment before I decided to just play her game. If she wants to be this damn stubborn, fine – I can go with it.

"I didn't say it'd be free," she raised her eyebrows, still wearing the beautiful smile, "Teach me German. I think that's a fair trade off, don't you?" she rolled her eyes at the whole situation. She knew exactly what I was doing, but at the same time, she knew she couldn't go hungry forever. I'm glad she chose to go with it.

"Fine then," her pride hurting, she left it alone. And so we sat for quite a while, only the occasional sniffle or throat clearing breaking the silence. She soon adjusted herself to resting her head on her hand, staring down at the table right next to her other arm. Something was clearly bothering her, but she's told me enough tonight. I'm sure she'll come to open up more in the future, and who knows? Maybe my constant proximity will help bring her back. Time passed, and with each failing second, I gained more and more courage to seize the thing that I've been staring at for the last ten minutes. She needs me right now… she needs to have no doubt that I'm here for her. That's the reasoning I followed, even if it was a stupid line. But who cares? She didn't pull away when I grabbed her hand, so she clearly didn't care. In fact, she even helped just a little bit by out stretching her arm so I wasn't practically leaning across the table. The entire time, she continued to stare at her arm as strands of red enveloped her hung face.

"You're cold," her hand wasn't like ice or anything, but it was certainly far from normal. Maybe I should take her back to her apartment, it's getting late… "Do you have a bug problem?"

"Hm?" she looked up at me with a confused face, though her head didn't stop resting on her hand.

"Like, spiders. You have a couple bites on your arm," I noticed it a while ago, but at this point, I'd do anything to break the silence. There were a few small scabs, each no bigger than a pinhead, on the inner part of her elbow, "I can buy some spray if you want."

"No…" she looked down at the bites, "I'm fine," she let go of me and stood up, stretching her arms above her head, "Come on, it's late. You should go home," I pray Misato hasn't woken up… I stand up next to her, "You forgot your box."

"That's… that's yours," she began to walk out, and I felt as if my heart was on fire.

"No, it's not."

The rest of the night was… interesting. I pocketed the necklace once more, though I didn't quite feel defeated. The rest of the walk to her apartment was done hand-in-hand, but neither one of us ever acknowledged it. After the short walk back to her place, I stayed the rest of the night – or, at least, what was left of it. Initially, I went to leave, but to my surprise she verbally stopped me.

"You don't have to leave, just stay here tonight," those words caught me completely off guard. How was I supposed to react? Say no? Plus, I _wanted_ to be here. I couldn't have wanted to be anywhere else any more than this, so her suggestion nearly brought a tear to my eye. We sat watching television for no more than ten minutes before she fell asleep on my shoulder, and I couldn't stop myself from looking at her. She was almost… heavenly, I suppose would be the only word to describe her. It was only in sleep that I saw her so relaxed and, rarely, under control. Every time I think about her straddling that man… I literally get nauseous. I don't blame myself in the least, but I weep for her. She's clearly in some sort of rut that she needs help out of, but she's just so damned stubborn! "Shinji," I jump slightly at her voice. She's awake? Since when?

"Yeah?" she looked up at me with half closed eyes as she placed a hand on my cheek.

"I'm sorry," before I could ask why, our lips met and my eyes shot wide open. This wasn't the first time we've kissed, not by a long shot, but this was… different. It wasn't hormone driven, it wasn't sexual in any way, and it was far from being simply physical. She was gentle, and for once, basked in the kiss. It was no more than a simple peck that lasted a few seconds, but it was… amazing, to say the bare minimum, "Please move in here Shinji. I swear, I'll stop doing all of these disgusting things, just come here," I'd rather not think of what else she's done, "Please."

"Asuka… you know I can't," she placed her forehead on my shoulder, and I could have sworn she shivered, "Why can't you come home? Are you in some kind of trouble?" she shook her head as her grip on my hand tightened, "Then what?"

"I told you, I can't rely on people anymore," but isn't she relying on me right now by asking me to live here? I'd never bring that up to her, but there's a major hole in all of this, "I don't even like planning on you bringing food," silence fell over us as she silently began to weep. She was fantastically quiet about her crying, and the only reason I even knew it was happening was because of the occasional drop of fluid on my arm. I can't stand seeing her like this… maybe I should just move in. It couldn't hurt, could it? No, I can't feed into this. I'm here to help her, but I'm not about to fall into the same trap, "Can you at least spend the night? I… I don't want to be alone, Shinji. Not tonight, at least."

"Yeah, that's fine," I didn't even realize what I agreed to until it was too late, "I'll just sleep on the sofa. You have a pillow I can borrow?"

"Just sleep in my bed, it doesn't matter. I'm not trying to make any moves, so don't get the wrong idea. I just… really can't be alone. Really," I'm beginning to think that what she did earlier today was her first time – something is getting under her skin horribly, and I can't imagine what else it is.

"Okay Asuka, relax," I put my arm around her shoulder and hug her as best as I could. I hate this! This isn't the girl I care about! What happened to her?

Soon enough, we ended up in her bed just as the sun was beginning to rise. No doubt Misato is worried sick about me, but I'm sure she'll be fine – Asuka needs me more right now. At first, I was awkward as all hell; she was on her side, facing away from me, as I lay on my back and stared up at the ceiling. After just a couple minutes, she reached over, took hold of my wrist, and rolled back over as if I was a blanket she was covering up with. The end result was me spooning her, holding the girl like a child as she shivered under the thick comforter. Just out of instinct, trying to warm her up, I pull her as close to me as possible… it seemed to help a little bit, but her staggered breathing through her teeth could be heard throughout the room even after my attempt. Why is she so cold? It's actually a little warm in here, almost to the point of being uncomfortable.

"I'm so sorry…" she whispered through her shivers a few times, but I tried to ignore it as much as possible. When she's ready, she'll tell me everything… I hope, "I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to like it… I'm so sorry, Shinji," I'm seriously beginning to wonder if I should just force her to come home. In this state, I'm sure I'd be able to easily.

"Those weren't bug bites, were they?" she hesitated a moment before shaking her head. Damn it, Asuka…

"I didn't know what it was, I swear," thankfully for both of us, she fell asleep soon after, though the shaking never really stopped throughout the night. It got significantly better after she dozed off, but I could still tell she was in pain. Finally, around six in the morning, the shivering slowly stopped without me really realizing it until there was nothing left – thank God. No matter how hard I try, I just can't stop thinking about how idiotic she's being about all of this! I mean really, drugs? And hardcore drugs at that! This wasn't some experiment with pot, this is what junkies do! I have no idea what that kind of substance costs, but I'm sure that's why she hasn't eaten. And… what other 'disgusting things' was she talking about? I'd like to think she's only talking about what I saw and the drugs. Please let that be all…

"Asuka, you awake?" I whisper as quietly as I could into her ear, thankful she didn't respond. It must have taken me a good ten minutes to get my phone out of my pocket without rustling the bed too much, but I finally accomplished it with the intent to text Misato the address and the situation. Asuka just needs help, that's it, and… "Damn it," the one night I forget to charge my phone. You know what? It doesn't matter – she's usually much stronger than me, but like this I could force her to go anywhere. I'm sure she'll make a scene as we walk, so it'll be better to get this done earlier in the morning versus rush hour, "Hey Asuka, wake up," I nudge her shoulder with my hand, tilting her body more than what was really necessary.

I'm really not too sure when I realized it, but I know exactly how I felt. I had laid there with her so long that my senses became dull and numb to what's normal – like wearing a pair of sunglasses, you just forget they're there. I nudged her a few times before I got fed up with the whole situation and just rolled her onto her back. I might have screamed, I might have gasped, but in reality, I have no idea what I did. All I know is that somewhere along the line, I ended up on the floor across the room, back to the wall, staring at the girl in bed as she stared blankly at the ceiling, mouth slightly open.

I'm not sure if I said anything, or if I even displayed emotion when I first saw her, but right now… right now, at least, I know I'm crying.

A/N – If you think this is the end, you're not very observant. Look at the timeline I've set up. Anyway, I got the idea for this chapter in a dream, and I love it. Really, this chapter is setting up the road for many things to some, so it was important. Make sure you read and review – it's story fuel for us authors! Keep on keepin' on!


	4. Zusammen

Chapter 4: Zusammen

I still regret doing it to this very day, but it's not something I can undo without the possibility of something much worse happening. Plus, even if I'm _able_ to undo it, I wouldn't have the slightest idea how. I only live in the present – to my knowledge, I can't move through time. Anything short of that, however, is fully within my whim. This is why when I saw Shinji… I couldn't help myself. I'd never seen him so upset, not even when I died. This hurt a little, but I tried to ignore it. Back then, all I wanted was for him to be happy. That's it! I thought she would make him happy, so I did what I thought I had to do. I was so stupid…

-Five Years Ago-

-Asuka's Place, Shinji's Mind-

Either I'm not very observant or I jump to conclusions far too quickly. I could have sworn her chest wasn't rising in a breathing motion before, but after I started looking at her more deeply from across the room, it was apparent she was breathing. Hell, she was doing more than breathing – she was sitting up in bed looking at me as if I was crazy. Maybe I just had a bad dream… but it was so real! I'm not stupid, I checked her pulse before freaking out… she was cold as stone!

"What?" she spoke through half open eyes, and even with the horrible appearance she's dawned on herself, I could still see the old Asuka in there. She was still looking down at me as if I said something stupid, and we were back at Misato's, "Did I do something?"

"N-No, I just had a nightmare, sorry," with as much dignity as I could muster, I crawl back into bed and take her into my arms, exactly as before. She didn't reject me in the least – if anything, she helped it along, "I'll move in."

"What?" she wasn't asking in disbelief, she genuinely didn't hear what I said. When I spoke, I said it with such softness in my voice that even I could barely hear it.

"I said I'll move here. But only if you get help first. I can't see you like this, so I'll do anything to help," she adjusted slightly in my arms, clearly uncomfortable in her own skin or at the situation itself, "Well?" it took her what seemed like an eternity to respond.

"I… haven't slept with anyone, by the way. Or done anything more than a dance, for that matter. I bought the drugs with my money, not through favors," it seemed irrelevant to my proposal, but at least now I know, "So when we get back home, I don't want you telling Misato anything outside of what you know for a fact. Just…" she curled up slightly, "Just please don't yell at me. And don't let her. I've had enough of that in my own mind," I'm glad she couldn't see my face, because I'm sure I looked like a fool smiling as hard as I was.

"Yeah," I hug her as best as I could, "I promise."

She held up to her word, and in turn, I held up to mine. Within an hour of our conversation, we had her clothes packed and were walking back to Misato's apartment. Her appearance got more than a few looks – everyone recognized her as the second child, after all – but thankfully no one said anything to us like they normally do. I was forced to carry all three large bags on a single arm the whole way; I wasn't about to let her carry them in her state, and she was equally likely to let go of my other hand. Getting to the apartment was the easy part… actually getting her in was an entirely different story. I felt like I was luring a dog into their cage with treats. I kept promising her everything would be okay, and that she could go right in to her room and go to sleep. Hell, I even offered to cook her breakfast (a treat of sorts, no?). I think the only reason she was hesitant was because we both saw Misato's car in the parking lot, and she was scared straight of that woman. Eventually, however, promises of a warm breakfast and a hot shower lured her into the home. As fate would have it, Misato was in the chair facing the door like a mother in a movie about to yell 'Where have you been all night?'. I'm sure she would have said something along those lines if she hadn't seen Asuka. They made eye contact for the briefest of moments.

"Hey, look who I found," I tried to lighten the situation. Stupid Shinji. A look of pure anger, even more than what Asuka was capable of, rushed over her as she stood up and stormed in front of the girl, "There's no need to be mad, she's fine, so," I was cut off by the piercing sound of a hand meeting Asuka's cheek. Misato just stood there after slapping her, staring down at the girl with hatred I've never seen before. Asuka… was a statue. She was still staring at the floor at Misato's feet, and her head barely moved at the assault. Just as I took the breath to defend her, Misato took her into a deep hug, and Asuka began crying into her chest. Needless to say, she let go of my hand and fully embraced the mother figure in front of her.

"You're safe now, it's okay," Misato stroked her hair as she rested her head on top of Asuka's. I could have sworn I saw tears start to form in her eyes, but they closed off any emotion to the outside world. I spent all night trying to reason what went on, and I'm still at a complete loss. Misato slapped Asuka harder than I've ever seen, and now they're hugging like they're related by blood. Women…

I excused myself and put Asuka's bag in her room. We left it exactly as she left it – a complete mess. She always seemed to be at home in the clutter, though; there weren't food wrappers or anything sprawled about, just clothes and boxes that never quite found their rightful place. I think she'll be happy with it. With a smile, I grab a clean t-shirt and shorts, set them in the bathroom along with a fresh towel, and go into the kitchen to hold up on my promise of breakfast. They were in Misato's room at this point, and I could hear them talking – and Asuka occasionally sobbing – but the important part was that she was home. By the time I finished making the simple breakfast of eggs, bacon, and toast, the talking had completely ceased. In fact, all noises stopped… as if they left. I could see a glimmer of light coming from under the door, so I knew that wasn't the case, but why were they so quiet?

"She fell asleep," I jump to the point of dropping my spatula at Misato's voice. The sliding glass window was wide open as she stared out at the city… how did I miss that? "But she's okay. Hurt, but okay."

"What… did you talk about?" she fiddled with the beer in her hands, dangling it over the ledge. She still refused to make eye contact with me.

"It's not my place to tell you. She'll open up when she's ready," a deadly silence fell over us. So Asuka _wasn't_ telling me the whole story… I should have expected as much. She doesn't see me the way I see her, and that's fine. I'm not mad at her for it – in fact, I don't blame her, "Just keep it G rated with her for a while."

"Misato, w-we don't…" I trailed off. I completely forgot she already knew!

"Shinji," she turned her head slightly and looked at me through the corner of her eye, "Don't play with me right now, I'm not in the mood. I'm serious. You don't know what she could have," oh God… so she was… I'm going to vomit.

"Y-Yeah…" a month alone and she does all this? What the hell happened to her? I can't believe this! "Misato?"

"Hm?" she went back to staring at the city.

"What… what am I supposed to do? I want to help her, but," I didn't even know what to say. Yes, there was a 'but', however, I don't know what came after that. I don't even know if she wants my help!

"You don't do anything. Be there for her, that's all you can do. Don't force yourself, she's had enough of people doing that. She ran off for a reason Shinji, don't forget that. Neither one of us knows why, but in her mind, the reasoning was solid. If she wants you to hold her, hold her. If she wants you to stay away, stay away. If she goes to walk out again, tackle her to the floor," I couldn't help but let out an awkward smile, "You'll figure it out. Just be careful."

"Of what? She didn't seem violent with me before."

"That's not what I mean," she took a sip of her beer, "The girl loves you, Shinji. At least she thinks she does, and that's all that matters," later, I realized just how casual about all this she was seeming, but at the moment I was overtaken, "That's why I said keep it G rated. At least take the relationship slow. I know you've probably already done everything short of sleeping with her, but just start over. No need to hurry and be grown up," that last sentence seemed to depress her a little, "How's breakfast coming?"

-Present-

-Rei's Mind-

"No, I understand, it's fine. You don't have an obligation, don't apologize," the man some would say I stalk spoke to an old friend, Toji, over the phone, "I don't need you there, really, I'm fine," I have to admit, he looked pretty handsome in that suit. Today, he and a group of friends were going to pay their respects to an old friend at her grave. Everyone was supposed to go: Hikari and Toji (and their baby), Kensuke, Gendo, Ritsuko, Misato, even Maya. One by one, they all canceled plans for one reason or another. At least, they told _him_ about their 'one reason or another'… the fact of the matter is that Hikari can't even think about her without crying, Toji, Kensuke, and Gendo all couldn't care less, Ritsuko was glad the girl was gone, Misato had to work (her excuse was genuine), and Maya… well, Maya didn't even know Asuka outside of a computer monitor.

"Another visit alone?" I speak to him, though in reality, I'm just talking to myself. This was the second time this has happened, and I'm sure Shinji was going to stop inviting people. He sighed deeply as he hung up the cell phone.

"Just me and you again, huh Pocket?" he straightened his solid black tie in the mirror. Heh… Pocket… I always thought that was kind of cute. I have to give it credit to the man, he's been visiting her grave a _lot_ longer than I anticipated. It's been what, a full year now? He visits every month, and every month he leaves flowers that some punk kids invariably end up stealing before the sun even sets.

"You never came up with a name for me. How about Mater?" I chuckle at the slight amount of wit I threw in, "Fitting, if you ask me," of course, he didn't respond as he left the house. The drive was a long and lonely one, but far from silent. The car stereo blasted some power metal ballad from the eighties as he attempted to numb his thoughts. I wasn't inside him, but I knew it failed.

"Miss me?" he sat beside her tombstone with a smile, setting her flowers up perfectly on the two-inch-thick slab of rock, "Nothing's really new with work. I still have to pick out the health care plan for them. Yeah, I know, it was supposed to be done last month. Don't ride me," he spoke through a half smile as if she was sitting right in front of him, hanging on his every word, "You'll be happy to know Misato finally convinced me to get a degree. Nothing special, just business administration, but I'll get a huge raise with it. But you know what? I'm beginning to think about pulling out before starting. Why bother, you know?" wait, what? When did he change his mind? See what happens when I don't invade people's thoughts? I get left out of the loop!

"When we get home, I'll figure it out and change your mind. So help me God, you're going to college!" Jesus, I really do sound like a mother.

"But this is going to be the last time I visit. I'm sure you already knew that, though," good, it's about time he broke away from her. This isn't healthy in the least, "I'm sorry, don't be mad, but you know why I have to do it. Don't worry though, I'm sure we'll meet up eventually," as far as I know, no you won't. Humans and their dreams… he stands up, still wearing that smile, and kisses the top of her headstone, "Take care of yourself, okay Pocket? Love you," with a final pat of the stone, he walked off.

-Five Years Ago-

-Misato's Place, Asuka's Mind-

"No! It's not hard, Shinji! Look, when it's a command, the verb goes first. When it's a statement, the verb goes second," he sat huddled over the piece of paper scrawled with Latin alphabet letters and few extra thrown in that the Germans decided were necessary, "And your endings are all wrong. What you wrote is 'The girl is running home' just fine, but you're essentially saying that she's a group of people. You put a plural ending on the verb!"

"Fine then, how about this?" I could tell he was trying to be sweet the instant he began writing – however, I also saw he was wrong right away. How dense is he? This language is supposed to be easy!

"Nice try, but wrong. You said '_Ich liebt er_', but what you meant to say is '_Ich liebe dich_'. Romantic gestures aren't romantic if you call me a man in the process," he finally gave up and rested his head on the table. It's been three full weeks, and we've barely spoken about anything that happened, as if it was all just a dream. I kept true to my promise about teaching him German, but that's starting to wear me absolutely dry. I can tell he genuinely wants to learn another language – you can hardly call the English lessons in school a new language if they don't ever talk about conjugation – but I think it's just over his head. He barely speaks Japanese for God sake! It's not even my native tongue and I constantly hear him mess up on tenses.

"You got the point, that's all that matters," she spoke with a muffled voice through the wood grain on the table, "Can we call it quits for today? I'm done with this," he looks up at me with those puppy-dog eyes, and I just couldn't help myself.

"Wimp," I close up my old books from home and lean back, "But yeah, sure. Listen, I'm going to shower, I'll be out in a bit," with a yawn, I stand up and head towards my room to gather some clean clothes. Even though I was barely gone a full month, I've had some trouble adjusting back to this life for some reason. I was constantly alone before, which had its upsides and downsides, but now I'm almost never alone. I suppose the silver lining on that is that I'm never quite far from Shinji.

When I got home, he took care of me like I was a baby bird. He cooked for me, cleaned for me, even read school material to me, and of course with that came the natural progression of things. You can't really blame me for falling for him in the state I was in. What you _can_ blame me for is staying with him, and even that I'm not entirely too sure about. After two weeks of childish flirting, holding hands, and even a peck every now and then, he finally got the nerve to ask me on a real date. It was far from anything special, but certainly special emotionally.

I followed Misato's advice from a week after I got back and avoided too much physical contact with him beyond kissing or holding hands. Hell, I haven't even _really_ kissed him just to be safe. I'm sure he doesn't know why I'm doing it, and he's probably hurt about it, but I just can't bring myself to tell him and I absolutely refuse to put him in danger. I have no idea why my test results are taking so long to get back… actually, you know what? Yes I do. All my testing was done by, of course, Nerv, so the results have probably been handed around like they're nothing. I don't care though, I never even see those people anymore.

My body is just recently recovering from the binge. The trail marks on my arm have faded for the most part, but I can still see an extremely faint glimmer of them. This doesn't bother me, because no one would ever notice unless I pointed them out. The rest of me though… Jesus. I've always been skinny, but only eating twice a week wreaked havoc on my figure. I was far from one of those Ethiopian children you see on television, but my ribs and hip bones were clearly visible. I got my figure back slowly throughout two weeks, and at this point, I'm completely back to normal. I got a haircut to keep it the length I want, I finally got outside and tanned a little, and I'm no longer one of those freaky anorexic girls. No, the old Asuka was back…

Well, at least in appearance.

Even people I never spoke to, Toji for example, mentioned to me how I changed after my 'trip to Germany'. I don't have the slightest clue what's different about me, but people have made it quite clear that I'm much more tamed and reserved than I used to be. I suppose they're right if I think about it, but nothing that dramatic in my opinion. What can they expect? Having that attitude drives away clients. God… I really do hate myself. For the first week, I strongly, _strongly_ contemplated suicide. One day, it even got to the point of me standing on a chair with a noose around my neck. For some reason, I never found the courage to kick out the chair. I must have stood there for over an hour… thank God Misato or Shinji didn't see me.

"Maybe I should tell him," I whisper to myself in an attempt to convince my own mind of the right thing to do. I'm half way done with the shower, and I still haven't come to a conclusion of whether or not to tell him the whole story. I owe it to him, don't I? To my knowledge, I know everything about him, so… yeah, he deserves it. I won't blame him if he wants to leave – I wouldn't stay with me either.

"Welcome back," he spoke as he 'read' through one of the German books.

"We need to talk," damn, why did I sound so cold? He went to turn around, and I cut him off, "No, don't look at me. Just… not yet, hold on," I sit down on the sofa and stare at the blank television. I don't want him to see me, and I don't want to see him. It'll be like I'm talking to thin air.

"Are you okay?"

"There's a reason I haven't really kissed you or gone beyond that. I'm trying to protect you," I can't get these words out… it's like I coughing up boulders, "There's," I knew this wasn't going to be easy, "There's a chance that… that I might have something," complete silence, "I should be getting my test back soon," still nothing, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you," talk to me! "Shinji?"

"I didn't know you could catch something from a lap dance," I seriously almost vomited at his stabbing words, "Sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm just annoyed at the whole situation. You don't have to tell me anything unless you feel comfortable," how could I possibly feel comfortable after he just took a jab at me? "Can… I come over there?"

"Yeah," I whispered softly, but he heard me. As if he was approaching a tiger, he walked over and put an arm around my shoulders, "You know I'm here for you if you need help, right?" I stare at the coffee table as I nod, "I mean, I don't care if it's three in the morning. If you need something, just come get me," once again, I nod.

"I'm still a virgin," that sounded ten times more subtle in my head… "I mean… I never slept with anyone. I swear," I want to tell him so badly, but I just can't. I can't even think about it without wanting to vomit, "I got tested because I'm not sure if the needles I used were clean," half truth is better than no truth.

"That's fine. If it turns out you have something, we'll work through it together, but I'm sure you're fine. There's really nothing you could have caught that can't be treated, so it's just a waiting game," how ignorant is he? Even if he's trying to make me feel better, that's still one hell of a stupid statement, "Okay?"

"Yeah," I rest my head on his shoulder, "Okay. But even when I get better, I want to take what we have slow. What we were doing before didn't have a relationship behind it, but now it's different. Too much too soon ruins things, you know?" he took my hand in his, and it was all the answer I needed, "Thanks."

"No problem."

The rest of the night went on like this. Small, awkward conversations consisting of forced words and emotions. We never made eye contact after I got out of the shower, and that was for very good reason – I was ashamed, and I'm sure he was disgusted. Misato came home with the results and, thank God, I'm completely clean. Not even a case of the cold, nothing at all. I couldn't stop myself from hugging her. The two of us have gotten extremely close since I got back, and it feels amazing. I haven't had someone care for me as much as this since… well, since my mother. A decade without love is a hard thing to go through. Though, I wouldn't call it love… I'd call it strong nurturing. She knows that I'm still hurt – probably woman's intuition – and she acts accordingly. I'm extremely thankful for that.

Oddly enough, I think Pen-Pen can sense it too. This bird is a hell of a lot smarter than I initially gave it credit for! He follows me almost everywhere when he's awake, and I'm sure he'd sleep in my bed if he didn't have to be in the cooler. In fact, one time when I was home alone, I started to cry and he dragged over a tissue box next to my feet with his beak. That takes some serious reasoning – many young humans wouldn't make that connection. Needless to say, I gave him a full can of tuna afterwards.

But tonight, I have no such company, but I have the emotions. I'm not sobbing or weeping like a child, I just have my face buried in the pillow, and I'm letting the tears run. It's not like I can do anything else but hurt, and it's better to let this out than it is to bottle it up… yeah, that's the logical standpoint, but the emotional standpoint is that I still hurt like hell. And I don't even know why! All the drugs are out of my system, I'm healthy as can be, and above all, I don't have any infections! But what I succumbed to… I chose to strip. I made that conscious decision, and I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I've somewhat moved on from that, though it's still mortifying – that's supposed to be reserved for someone I love. Someone I care about. Not… that. But no, it's not the stripping that bothers me… God, I just keep seeing him… I should have known better. I _did_ know better, that's what's annoying.

I can't do anything about it now. I just need to move on! There's not so much as a hair out of place on me anymore, so the only scars left are in my mind. Nothing a few months of trying to ignore it can't fix, right? Right.

… right?

I'm not going to lie to myself though. People get hooked on drugs and even start them for a very good reason: they feel good. They feel _damn_ good. I'm still not entirely sure what I took, but it was some sort of depressant. I would do a hit, and just stare at the wall for hours… well, at least until the high wore off. Time tends to get away from you when you're up, and time drags on forever when you're down. God, when Shinji first came over, I barely knew my name. I literally just hit up right before I started the dance, and I can't believe he didn't pick up on it. He probably assumed it was from sleep or food deprivation, but in reality, I've never been higher. That's why I crashed so bad when we went to sleep – the only reason I wanted to go home after eating was because I could feel the drug wearing off, and I knew what was going to happen. I had no idea it would be so bad though… I've never been that cold. I literally felt like I was going to die, and to this day I can't believe that I didn't. But it was nice to have him hold me… really nice. If I would have died, I would have been happy to go in such a manner. In his arms, going to sleep and just never waking up. Heavenly.

But now begs a question that's been eating me more than anything – do I love that boy? He's made it quite clear that he loves me, even if he calls me a man in the process. I'm sure he's taken notice that I haven't said it back to him, there's no doubt about that, but those words… they're powerful. I haven't even thought them in over a decade, and now that I am, I'm starting to get scared. Superficially, yes, I love him. At the most basic definition of the word, I certainly do love him. But what goes along with that? And what does love really mean? I can't be expected to know when I haven't felt it! This isn't some high school crush (okay, yeah, we're freshman, but that's not the point), he's completely serious when he tells me. I can see it in his eyes, almost as if he's never been more serious of anything else in his life. But _do I love him_? I just don't know anymore…

"Asuka? You awake?" speak of the devil…

"Ja," I prop myself up on my forearms and wipe away the tears with a smile as he enters.

"That means yes, right?" he took notice of my watering eyes, but ignored them.

"Just because you give up doesn't mean I'm going to let you. You're lucky I'm talking to you in Japanese at all," he sat on my bed with a forced smile. We both had the expression on our face, but neither one of us meant it, "You need something?" he put his hand on my back. His touch…

"I'm just checking up on you. You okay?" still smiling, I wipe away another tear. They won't stop coming, damn it!

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just letting out frustration, you know? Don't worry about me," I lay back down with my arms crossed, supporting my head as I looked at him, "I'm so annoyed with everything. And I can't change it, that's why I'm like this. But really, I swear I'm fine," he began rubbing my back, and it felt absolutely amazing. He wasn't even doing anything special, it was just… nice.

"But you know you don't have to go through this alone. It's stupid, but when you can't sleep, I can't sleep."

"Careful, too much of that and your teeth will rot. Idiot," it was said with caring, "What, were you listening in on me? I thought I was being quiet."

"No, I couldn't hear you at all, but I just assumed. Need anything from me?" for you to hold me.

"I'm fine, thanks. We have school tomorrow, you should really get to sleep," he leaned down and kissed the back of my head.

"I'll see you in the morning. Night, Asuka," say it! Now!

"Gute Nacht…" he turns around with a smirk, and I smile right back. Just say it! Tell him!

"Ich liebe dich, Asuka," _tell him!_

I hate myself… I really do…

A/N – Yay for long(er) chapters! Super emotional, this one was. Strong with the force it is. I had quite a bit of time to write lately – the wife is out of the state, school has been easy on me, and I don't have anything better to do. SO! Here's the deal – I haven't gotten a single review for either chapter 2 or 3… only the first one. Is this fic really worth continuing? I'm not being rude in the least, I just don't want to waste my time writing on a story that no one will read. I seriously have trouble writing FF if I don't have some sort of motivation – 90 percent of the time, I'm neglecting school work when I write, so writing a story no one is reading is a lot like studying for a test no one will grade… just pointless. Let me know what you guys think; even if you tell me to just drop it, that's fine. Keep on keepin' on!


	5. Betrüger

Chapter 5: Betrüger

A/N – Just a quick note. Thanks to those of you who reviewed and let me know this is worth continuing. Also, two of you mentioned how I said from the beginning Asuka is going to die. Very true… but look at my other stories. Do I ever leave things at face value? Hardly. Just stick with me, and trust me when I say you all don't know anything about the ending. Finally, when I say "Five years ago", assume I'm using Asuka's birthday as the start of a new year. Here we go!

"Yeah, Misato, it's me," Shinji calls his ex-guardian as he drove away from the graveyard, "No, I'm fine, don't worry. I just left," he seems to be in a much better mood than he usually is after these visits. Maybe he's finally moving on from her. It's about time, that's all I can say, "Don't feel bad, you couldn't help it. She'd understand. Listen, I just wanted to call and say… well, thanks. For everything. You helped Asuka and I more than you can imagine. So… thank you, really," … why did he hang up?

"Shinji…?"

-Four Years Ago-

-Misato's Place, Asuka's Mind-

"You're really not forgetting anything? Are you sure?" our living room dawned the Christmas tree no more than a few days ago, and today marks my third month home. Shinji was currently cooking lunch for both of us (Misato was working, as usual), and I sat on the table with my feet dangling trying to get through his thick skull.

"No, I think I have everything," he looked at all the ingredients in front of him, "Why do you keep asking?" he's a sweet guy and everything, but just so damned oblivious.

"No reason," he'll probably figure it out soon enough. I still haven't said those three words to him, but I feel like I might be getting close… at least I hope. He actually asked me why I haven't said them yet the other day, and my answer basically summed up to a shrug with a lengthy explanation. Hell, even _I_ don't know why, and he expects me to explain it? Whatever… it's been what, three months since we've been dating? Not too bad, if I do say so myself. We only barely came out about it at school a month ago, but we've had our own little moments and private dates for a long time now. It feels nice to be able to hold hands and occasionally peck each other's lips at school – I don't feel like I have to hide anything anymore. I think everyone knew already though, because not even Hikari was surprised in the least.

"Oh! I know what I forgot!" about time! I knew my face lit up with a smile, even though I tried to hide it, "I'll be right back," with the eggs still frying in the pan, he ran off to his room. Hey, better late than never, right? "I found this at the store yesterday and I wanted to try it. Americans call it 'Mrs. Dash', and it's supposed to be good," and just like that, he sprinkled some on the bacon.

"… really? Like, you're being serious right now?" he looked at me with that same stupid face I've grown accustomed to, "Shinji, what happens around Christmas time? Name off a special date."

"Well… new year's, of course…" he took was seemed like an eternity staring up at the ceiling in deep thought, "Christmas?"

"My birthday, you idiot!" either my aim is off, or his reflexes have gotten a lot better since I met him. The salt shaker didn't even come close to hitting his head, "I can't believe you forgot my birthday!" it finally clicked with him, and his eyes got wide. Yeah, that's what happens when you forget! Oh, you're _so_ cut off!

"That's _today_?" as fate would have it, a familiar woman comes crashing through the door holding no less than fifteen balloons, a cake, and a giant smile on her face.

"Happy birthday Asuka!" gotta love Misato, right? Shinji, on the other hand… the smile quickly faded as she saw the look on Shinji's face, "He forgot, didn't he?"

"Of course he did. You can't expect an untrained dog to fetch, after all," I give her one of my quick, one-armed hugs as I return the smile, "Thanks for remembering, but you didn't have to do all of this."

"It wasn't just me," she points at the floor behind me. None other than the romantic penguin stood, and I could have sworn he was blushing, "Pen-Pen got you a gift too," the bird stepped to the side to show a rectangular platter, about the side of a shoebox, filled with three types of fish – black, red, and yellow – forming the German flag.

"That's… sweet, but kind of creepy… did you do that for him?"

"I don't even know where he got the fish. I was cleaning his cooler yesterday and found it," that's just plain weird, even for a smart animal. I better not make him mad, seriously.

"Well that's very nice of you!" I bend over and scratch his head. He made a quick squawk before running back to the safety of his cooler, "Fish for my birthday… better than nothing I guess," that wasn't even meant to be a jab at Shinji, it just sort of happened. I liked it, "You think these are safe to eat? They don't smell bad, but…"

"Oh, I'm sure they're fine. We can have them for dinner tonight," come to think of it, how did he know I was German? Or what the flag even looked like? "Here, my turn. It's not much, but I'm sure it's fine," turning back around, I see her holding out the balloons, which I now notice had a small box tied to the end, "I got a year plan on it for unlimited calls, texts, and web, so go wild," she spoke as I unwrapped it with hungry eyes. I'm certainly a materialist, and proud of it!

"A phone! Thank you!" Jesus, now I feel bad… this thing must have cost a fortune on its own, let alone before the plan to go with it, "Really, you didn't have to spend that much."

"I get a military discount, remember? If it makes you feel any better, it really wasn't all that expensive," nothing says 'happy birthday' like strange fish and a phone that smells like said fish, that's what I always say, "And Shinji, the bacon is burning," he'd been staring at us this whole time with his jaw on the floor, "Doesn't matter, I bought breakfast!" cake? Really? I'm not five… "It's coconut!"

"Now that's what I'm talking about. Shinji, get us a few plates and serve us," with a sigh, he turns off all the burners and follows orders, "Hey, don't get an attitude with me. You forgot my birthday, remember? You know, the girl you're dating? Remember her?" still nothing out of him, "You know, making fun of you isn't funny if you don't react."

"He's just embarrassed!"

-Present-

-Rei's Mind-

I was laughing so hard that day. All his hard work, all his planning, only to have everything done on the wrong day. It really is a wonder he didn't bother to double check the date before sinking all that time into planning and preparation. Eh, everything worked out relatively fine in the end, so it doesn't matter. Looking back, though, it was sort of bitter sweet on my end – that's the day he truly moved on from me and on to her. Not like it ended up making a difference, she threw her life away in the end regardless of how much she loved him and how much he loved her.

Shinji must be expecting company I overlooked. I've matured past the point of always being inside someone's mind, but sometimes it really is annoying when I get left out of the loop. He was in the middle of cooking a huge, three course meal clearly made for himself and someone else. A date, maybe? I wouldn't be surprised – perhaps that's why he said he couldn't visit Asuka anymore.

-Four Years Ago-

-Shinji's Mind-

"Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn," where is my phone? Come on! All that work and I got it on the wrong day? I could have sworn it said her birthday was on the twenty-second! Sneaking a look at her visa from Germany was one hell of a task, and I was only barley able to navigate it with the terms she's taught me, but I apparently didn't read it correctly. I finally found my phone still in the pocket of my jeans and frantically dial the number.

"Toji's love shack, how may I pleasure you?" oh lord…

"Your phone doesn't have caller ID?"

"No, it does, why?"

"Forget it. Listen, gather up everyone and bring them over _now_! I got the date wrong – her birthday is today, not tomorrow. Just drop whatever you're doing, call everyone for me, and text me when you're on your way," he paused for a second.

"Does that mean no breakfast?"

"Toji, so help me God…" I'm in no mood for his games right now!

"Fine, fine, but you owe me. We'll probably be there in an hour or two," this better work out. If I did all this work for nothing, I'll be furious, "But what about the… you know."

"Don't worry about it. I have that under control, just get everyone here," I hung up and prayed to God he didn't see anything shiny along the way. Just as quickly as the first time, I dial another number, "Ritsuko, I got the dates messed up. Do it in ninety minutes," thankfully, she didn't put up a fight, and I was soon walking back out into the living room, "Sorry about that, what'd I miss?"

"My birthday," she spoke through closed eyes as she spoke.

"How many times to I have to apologize?" Misato left soon after she stopped home. She still had to work today, and the only reason she found time to come was because it was her lunch break, "Look, I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, I swear," she was confusing the hell out of me. On one hand, she didn't seem to care all that much about the situation, and on the other, she was clearly mad at me. Did she expect me to forget? I mean sure, on the surface, it certainly does look like I forgot, but I did anything but!

"Mhm, we'll see," she takes the last bite of cake on her plate, "Even the bird remembered. Do you even know how old I am?" okay, I don't if it's because Misato's gone, but her cool demeanor is completely absent now. Nothing but anger and sadness is in her voice at this point.

"Asuka, come on. You're fifteen, I'm not that stupid. I make a mistake, okay?" I sit next to her with a slight fear in the back of my mind. Just because she hasn't hit me since she came back doesn't mean that won't change today, "Asuka?" I put my hand on top of hers under the table.

"Whatever you do, it better be great to make up for this," finally, a smile! "My stomach hurts," whining like a child, she plops her head on my shoulder, "Too much cake."

"The cake is a lie."

"Huh?"

"Nothing. Listen, why don't you go get ready? I'll take you out to a movie or something. I can buy your gift later, but we should do something today," to my surprise, she didn't debate it in the least.

"Sure, why not? Nothing cheesy though, I hate romantic movies," hopefully she doesn't get too mad that I lied to her, but she'd be more upset if all these people showed up and she's still walking around in lounging clothes. I follow my own advice and throw on some acceptable clothes, but luckily for me, I was already showered. The same couldn't be said for Asuka, and that should buy me _at least_ forty five minutes between her showering, getting clothes on, and doing whatever the hell she does to her hair (it always looks exactly the same when she gets done with it, but it takes her ten minutes to do it). Thankfully, people started showing up before she even got out of the shower – Toji works a lot faster than I give him credit for. Hikari was the first to show her face, and at a fairly steady pace, everyone else – Kensuke, Toji, Kaji, Ritsuko, Misato, Mari, and even Gendo – followed suit. Everyone took their places decorating the apartment as they saw fit; Misato was fully in on my plan the whole time, but I apparently neglected to mention the actual date, so she was never able to correct me… three kinds of bull, if you ask me.

"I still don't approve of this," a thunderous, distant sound could be heard.

"Loosen up Gendo, what use are they now? Have some fun," Kaji nudged him with his shoulder as he gave the patented smile. Within ten minutes, the entire living room was filled with wishes of a happy birthday written on balloons, banners, yet another cake, and the gifts everyone brought. The more I see people preparing the apartment for her arrival from the shower, the more I think it's odd no one double checked the date.

"Um… Dr. Akagi?" I just realized – how in the world is Mari here?

"Mhm?"

"Who's… well, you know," I didn't want to give it away. Only myself, Gendo, and the doctor knew what was going to happen. She smirks as she waves her hand, essentially telling me to wait until later.

"Hey Shinji, got a question for you," she calls out from the bathroom as she spoke, "Are you still mad at me? Be honest, I want to know," now? Really?

"Asuka, we can talk about that later."

"No, not about _that_. About me not giving you more than a kiss lately. I mean, you mentioned how it was annoying how we used to do all of these things when we weren't dating, and now that we are you're cut off. I'd understand if you were mad," everyone we know heard that… great, "I just want to take it slow. That doesn't mean you can't be assertive and cop a feel every now and then though. Be aggressive! I think it's sexy," I would have much rather been fighting an angel than dealing with this… every pair of eyes is on me. Some smirking (Kaji), some glaring (Misato and Ritsuko), some with dead eyes (Gendo), and others with 'way to go!' (Toji). God, I hate attention… "Just a heads…" she walked out in her new clothes, still drying her hair, and instantly went wide-eyed, "Up…"

"Happy birthday!" everyone yelled in unison, but after that, the tension in the air could be cut with a knife. She stood as still as a statue, just as everyone else.

"I didn't forget… I just got the wrong date," I nervously laugh as I try to explain myself, "I actually put a lot of work into this. I wouldn't forget your birthday in a million years," at the absolute worst possible time, my big plan, quite literally, knocks on the apartment complex, making it shake. She looked out the winder and dropped her jaw to the floor… is that good or bad?

"What the hell? That's my Eva! My Eva is outside!" more than that – her Eva with a giant banner reading '_Asuka's Fifteenth!_' across the chest, "Oh… my… God…"

"Does she like it? I can't tell," Kensuke whispers from the back, and Toji replies, though I couldn't make out a single word, "Do ya like it?" it's dead silent outside of his voice.

"This… can't be legal," still no sign if she liked the gift or not… some on, Asuka, give me a hint!  
"It's not," shut up Gendo!

"And you put this all together?" her weak finger pointed at me. I let out another weak laugh as I nod, "Jesus Christ…"

Yeah, turns out she didn't only like it, but she absolutely loved it. But more than my surprise and the gift I got her – which was the original necklace with an elegant white gold heart pendant – I think she was overjoyed at the fact she has people who at least acted as if they cared about her. Lately, she's been understandably depressed about how people have been viewing her, even though no one outside of Misato and myself knew what really happened. I think this was exactly what she needed to get her emotions back in check, you know? For the first time in longer than I'd like to admit, I saw her truly, genuinely happy with her life.

Throughout the rest of the day, people slowly filed out of the house in a similar fashion that they came. Eventually, it trickled down to just the three of us – myself, Asuka, and Misato – sitting around the table and having a good time, enjoying each other's company. By that time, it was about eight at night, and as with any party, Misato was more than just a little buzzed. Asuka and I had quite the ball toying with her (she's not what you would call a smart drunk), but after a short time, even that got a little boring. With a little help from the both of us, she retired to her room for the night, finally leaving us alone. She was clearly holding it back all night; almost as soon as I started to walk away from Misato's room, Asuka literally pounced on me and took me into passionate kiss – something that's become foreign with her lately. Of course, I wasn't one to object, even if it was a little rough for my tastes.

"You're the best!" the kiss seamlessly turned into a hug, and I couldn't help by laugh, "But you're still an idiot for getting the date wrong."

"Shinji did good?"

"Yes, Shinji did _very_ good," she leans back and points to the heart around her neck, "Very, very good. How in the world did you convince your father to let you use my Eva? And who was even piloting?" both questions were met with a shrug. Frankly, I just asked Akagi and she said that she'd take care of it – in all honesty, I'd rather not think about how she did that. As for the pilot, Mari was originally supposed to do it, but… hell if I know. Maybe a dummy plug, it doesn't matter, "You're useless."

-Present-

-Rei's Mind-

As whatever chunk of meat he put into the oven cooked, Shinji sat on the recliner with a bottle of beer, listening to the radio across the room. For once, it was set to a classical station, and it was actually really nice – well, at least the scene was. He was purely relaxed, and if I didn't know any better, I'd bet he was asleep. Between his work, his occasional love affairs, and going out with friends, I absolutely never see him like this. I think that's why he gets depressed every now and then… well, that and visiting that whore's grave constantly. Every time he goes there, it takes days for him to recover! Other people may not see it, but I can definitely tell a difference in her personality. I'm overjoyed at the thought that he won't be visiting anymore.

"You know, Pocket…" damn it! He made the habit of 'talking to her' at home a few weeks ago, and I absolutely despise it, "Were you scared? I mean, I'm not saying you weren't justified, but I'd be terrified right before it," that's because you're weak! You hold onto a prostitute that died a year ago for comfort! Move on! "I would have married you, you know. I wasn't the best catch, I know that, and I made a few mistakes, but I loved you more than anything. Would you have said yes?"

-Four Years Ago-

-Misato's Place, Asuka's Mind-

"Shinji, stop for a second," we were both still very much clothed, but only because I told him to leave it that way. Shortly after Misato retired for the night, we made our way into his room and have since been… 'enjoying' each other's company on his bed. Nothing more than kissing and the occasional wandering hand, but this was a huge step for us – it was the first time we've done something like this as a couple. Beyond just the hormonal aspect of this, it felt absolutely amazing to be this close to him… I loved it. And I realized I loved it, that was the problem. He took a break and began kissing my neck a few seconds ago, but this was eating at me. I wasn't being fair in the least.

"Sorry, did I-"

"Don't apologize when we're doing this, you know I hate that. And no, you didn't do anything wrong, I just…" I had to avert my eyes from his, "You made today really special. I mean, I was expecting a gift and all that, but you went way out of your way. It's… something I won't forget. Ever," time to wrap it up, Asuka. This mushy crap literally burns, "So, I wanted to say thanks. For everything."

"Don't worry about it, I did it because I wanted to. And because I love you," I just couldn't do it. No more than two seconds pass before he goes back down to my neck and my hand takes its place on the back of his head.

"I… love you, too," he paused for a brief second in disbelief and soon leaned back up to look at me with a smile. I returned it with weak eyes. It almost hurt to say, but at the same time, I was the best thing I've ever done… there's no way I'll be making that a daily affair. The rest of the night progressed in this fashion until I felt things were getting just a bit too far. From that point, we just went to sleep with me in his arms. Best night of my life, hands down.

Christmas came and went, and predictably, so did the winter break. With the break gone, school was back in session, and I was glad to be out of the house. It was too damn cold to go out and do anything, so every single day was spent inside trying to stay warm. It was absolute hell… but, I suppose it's human nature to want what you can't have, isn't it? Within a day of school starting, we were all already asking if it was summer yet.

"No, if you'll all open you books to page one-seventeen. Today, we'll be talking about post-Second Impact evolution," and so it begins… "As you all know, wildlife is somewhat of a rarity, but it was not always like this. The few animals that did survive, however, either had to quickly adapt or die out. A prime example is the warm water penguin," okay, so today might actually be interesting. Roughly half an hour passes with the instructor babbling on about this and that before a folded piece of paper landed on my desk. It was clearly from Shinji next to me, but his eyes were completely and casually glued to the teacher. '_Turn to page one-twenty_.' I roll my eyes and follow his orders.

'_The warm water penguins are known for their supreme intelligence among the animal world. Being pack hunters, they have been known to catch more fish than the entire flock needs to survive – the remaining fish, however, do not go to waste. As with many birds, the males of the species tend to fight for dominance and the right to breed. Instead of singing songs, building nests, or flaunting feathers, the males fight for the remaining fish, often to the death. When the fish are gathered, the males will lay them out on the ground in a pattern the females will find attractive. A few of the observed patterns include a giant fish, the sun, trees, and even cars – possibly a throw over from their close proximity to humans. Even more fascinating, the males will sometimes intentionally catch certain colored fish to add to their mosaic. If the female accepts their gift, she is agreeing to mate with him. If the female sees their offering as unfitting, she will turn her back and walk away._' My hand shot up.

"Yes, Miss Shikinami?"

"About the warm water penguins… do they court members of another species? You said that they were smart, so…" please say no, please say no, please say no.

"Actually they do, yes," damn you! "It's rare, but if no other penguins are around, they will often designate another animal – a dog, a cat, sometimes a human – to attempt and mate with. Interestingly enough, they can tell the difference between the males and the females of the other species, and they always go for the females. Good question. Now, moving on to water-cats…" my mind completely drifted off. We all ate those damn fish. It shouldn't just be me! Why me? I've actually kicked that bird in the past! How did Misato not know this? Damn it, damn it, damn it!

"I don't like you cheating on me, Asuka. But I forgive you," he whispers across the row to me, and I throw the paper at him. This isn't funny! A bird is trying to get into my pants! I have to make it damn clear to Pen-Pen that he's not my mate. He better understand speech, I swear to God…

"Trouble at home?" during lunch, Hikari picked up on my question and smirked, "Is Pen-Pen flirting with you?"

"Shut up. How was I supposed to know that's what the fish were? I thought it was just a gift!"

"It was. A gift of love," I groan I glare at her, "Speaking of, is that from Shinji? That's sweet. I didn't see him give that to you," she pointed to my necklace.

"Yeah, he's shy. The idiot passed it to me like it was cocaine or something," great analogy there, Asuka, "And what about you and Toji? It's an odd month, so… you're dating, right?" she blushed, "Yep, I'm right. Don't get too attached, February is coming up, and you know what that means – an even month."

"It's not that bad. We've broken up twice."

"Both at the beginning of an even month. And you got together three times. All at the beginning of an odd month. I think you two are playing a game, I really do," she didn't fight my reasoning in the least. The day progressed like a carbon-copy of all days to come. It was really… irritating, to say the least. I don't do well when I can predict everything that's going to happen, it just bugs me more than anything else. Hell, even the old sync tests threw a monkey wrench in the gears every now and then, and while they were annoying, they kept things interesting. Things only got worse when Shinji said that he'd be staying after school today to study – he's always sucked at math, but really? He knows damn well I can help him! Whatever, it's one less thing I have to worry about… teaching him German is bad enough. He's gotten to the point of being able to write simple sentences if I give him all the translations, but he's miles away from being able to speak it.

"Making a girl walk home on her own. How rude! What if I was kidnapped?" I vented out loud as I walked. The still-cool air of the ever digressing winter nipped at my face, and I absolutely hated it. The winters here are really… weird. Back in Germany, we'd get a little snow every now and then throughout the winter, but never more than a couple inches at a time. Apparently, there used to be a lot more snow before the Second Impact, but that's not my point. The snow actually keeps things warm – it insulates homes, and it holds all the cold air at ground level so only your legs are cold outside. Here? Not a single snowflake. The result is cold air surrounding you everywhere you went, including indoors. It was hell, in my opinion, and the winds coming off the ocean didn't help either.

About half a mile of walking later, I couldn't take it anymore. I rummage through my school pack and find my earmuffs, but also found something that made me shout out a few curses. People stared. At some point, Shinji's scarf and earmuffs ended up in my bag, and I'll be damned if I end up taking care of him if he gets a cold! I swear, he's worse than a child! Even a dog knows when they need to stay warm, but not Shinji! No, he's the all-mighty man with the impervious immune system. I would have been home in my warm bed by now, but no, I'm back at school and searching around like I'm retarded looking for the idiot. I'm going to kill him!

"Shinji? Come on!" I sarcastically clap my hands as if I was calling for a dog, but this got old real quick. I always thought empty schools were creepy… they're just unnatural. Like, people built them, but there were no people in it… I don't know, it's just weird to me. He wasn't in our usual classroom, but our instructor still was, so I just assumed he was getting help from another student or something in the library. A couple of minutes of walking later (I had no idea where the library was), I was at the huge double doors of the entrance. I look through the glass on the door and initially see no one in the darkness, but a slight bit of movement caught my eye, "Jeez you two, get a… room…" I let out an audible gasp as I take in the sight. That's a lie… that's not right… no, he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't do that to me… he loves me. He told me he did!

He wasn't doing this on accident… he was holding her like he holds me. He was kissing her like he kisses me. His hands were up her skirt, groping behind her like I never let him do to me… no! This isn't my fault! I'm going to vomit… I'm really going to vomit…

"I hate you," I whispered curses to him the entire walk home. I told him that I loved him! I let him kiss me! I let him hold me! For what? Just so he can go off with some tramp and have a quickie in the library? He's sick! "I'm going to kill you, I swear to God," I slam the door to the apartment and throw my bag off to the side, "You're not going to use me, damn it! I'm not your doll!" by the time I found it, his room was an absolute wreck. Drawers pulled out of the dresser littered the floor, as did their contents. The mattress was off center, the bed frame was pulled away from the wall, and every box was opened with the contents spewed everywhere. I finally came across it in a pair of discarded pants – his phone. I knew he didn't bring it today; I texted him no less than five times, and he never replied. I skimmed through my own texts until I came across a message by a girl named 'Mari'… it was her?

_Me: We still on for tonight?_

_ Mari: Yeah, I've been waiting awhile. You gonna ditch the girl or what?_

_ Me: I'll just tell her I'm going to study or something. She won't question me. She's a lot easier to tame than you might think._

_ Mari: Apparently not. You still haven't slept with her, right? lol That's not a surprise, though. She only puts out if you pay._

_ Me: Tell me about it. And if I had, you think I'd meet up with you? ;) _

_ Mari: That hurts! And here I thought we had something special. Oh well, that doesn't make it feel any worse, now does it? Where are we gonna meet up this time?_

_ Me: Library?_

_ Mari: Oh! Taking risks now, are we? What if we get caught?_

_ Me: Let them watch._

I threw the phone to the side, shattering it against the wall. Tears were rolling down my face – tears that I tried to hold back. My angered breathing echoed through the room as I sat on the floor. My fists were clenched to the point of my nails about to tear the skin, but I didn't care. I wanted him dead… I gave him everything I had! _Everything!_ He didn't love me! He was just trying to get me in bed! I can't believe how stupid I am! How did I not see that? No, you know what? I didn't do anything wrong outside of trusting him. Trusting anyone, for that matter. We're all in this for our own gain, and I should have known as much!

"Fine, fine," I get up and walk into the bathroom and begin taking my nightly shower, "I don't care. He cheated on me, big whoop. He wasn't that great to begin with. He can sleep with that whore all he wants, I don't care – it's not my problem anymore," then why are the tears still coming? It took forever to shake them off, but by the time I finally did, that bastard was back home. I'm not going to just ignore him! I'm going to make myself damn clear.

"I'm home, Asuka. Sorry, that took longer than I thought," I'm sure it did. I throw on a robe and quickly towel dry my hair.

"How was she?" I storm out of the bathroom, clearly catching him off guard, and stop right in front of him, "Was it good, hm? Much better than just kissing on your bed, right? I bet it felt great," he took a breath to say something, and I respond by slapping him as hard as I possibly could. I'd seriously be surprised if that doesn't leave a bruise, "Don't you dare!" damn it… I'm crying again… stop it! "I was just a toy to you, huh? Just some whore you don't pay? Well come on, big man," I shove him up against the wall and hold out my arms, "This is all that matters to you, right? Well then fuck me."

"Asuka… I…" he knew he was caught, and he had nothing to say.

"You what? You want to tell me again how much you love me? Go ahead, maybe I'll still believe you. No, really, give it a try," he didn't say a word, "I'm saying this once, say pay attention," I finally lose control… I didn't mean to hurt him that badly. My hand slams against his throat, pinning him against the wall as I speak to him, no more than an inch from his face, "You so much as look at me and I swear to God I'll kill you, understand? Don't look at me, don't talk to me, don't even say my name. Just try me and see if I'm bluffing – you'll wake up with a knife in your chest. Am I making myself perfectly fucking clear right now?" through his slowly bluing face, which showed a primal fear I've never seen in a person before, he struggled to nod, "And to think," I smirk at him with fire in my eyes… I'm actually enjoying this, and it makes me sick, "I almost let you go all the way last night," he falls on the floor coughing and holding his throat when I let him go, "Go to hell," I spent the rest of the night crying into my pillow.

-Present-

-Rei's Mind-

Even I'll admit that was a side of Shinji that I hated. I knew about his plans long before she did, obviously, and I don't think I've ever been so angry. I wasn't angry because he cheated on her, but just because he cheated period. He certainly learned his lesson though – he won't so much as look at another girl when he's in a relationship. Either that's straight up fear or maturity… I'm not sure on that one. From that point on, he tried to win her back with everything he had, but you can guess how that worked out. It really is quite sad when you think about it – this time, her downfall was his own fault.

A/N – Long chapter this time! Midterms are coming up, so don't expect me to be updating quite as often as I have been lately… but that's not to say this fic will fall short. Anywho, thanks for all the kind words of encouragement, and I'll see you all next time!


	6. Zurückfallen

Chapter 6: Zurückfallen

It's not much for a man to say that he'll never cheat again – he's lied before, so why wouldn't he lie again? Shinji never outwardly stated that he'd never do it again, nor did he ever tell any of his other girlfriends about that little escapade, but both he and I knew that it would never happen again. That incident between he and Asuka changed him… more than he realizes, I bet. Hell, if it hadn't, he wouldn't have cut off the affair with Mari after he got caught – she sure as hell didn't mind being the mistress. However, some things simply can't be undone, and what he did to Asuka was one of them. She never forgave him, even on her deathbed (or death street, however you want to put it). She may have moved on, but not forgiven… she's one of those people who simply does not move on. She was justified in her feelings, in my opinion, but not in her actions. Who was she aiming to hurt? Him? That's like a child running away to teach their parents a lesson. In fact, that's exactly what she did.

-Four Years Ago-

-School, Asuka's Mind-

He followed my advice and hasn't spoken or looked at me in four days. School is… hell, to say the least. Everyone knew that we were dating, and everyone noticed that my neck no longer held his necklace – no, it's probably in the belly of some sewer rat somewhere. Hikari was the only person to outright ask me what happened, but the look in my eye I gave her was enough to make her change the subject. I constantly hear people asking him what happened, and he gives just as much information as I do; as if he's going to say that he's a cheater. All the boys in class would wail on him if they found out he had a girl like me and snuck around, which is why I almost put the word out myself. I opted against it, though, because I'd rather not be seen as the stupid girl who didn't see it coming. Which I am.

The week is coming to a close, with today being a Friday, and I'm absolutely dreading going home for two straight days. When it's the school week, we keep our distance pretty easily – go home, do homework, eat, go to bed. Nothing out of the ordinary. But during the weekend, we'll be forced to be in close proximity. I tried asking Hikari if I could spend the night, playing it off as if it was a sleepover thing, but to no avail. Her and her sisters are doing something this weekend… I didn't pay much attention after 'no'.

The worst part about everything? I think that whore Mari spread word about where I really went that month. People believed I went on a trip to Germany to visit my family – as if I have any there – but I would catch whispers behind my back leaking the truth.

'_I heard she didn't even leave the country!_'

'_I bet she was on an alcohol binge._'

'_No! My friend's cousin said she tried to live on her own and fell on her face!_'

'_How'd she pay the rent?_'

I'm really sick of this bull… these people don't even know me! A friend's cousin? Really? It's absolutely crazy!

"Hikari," I broke the awkward silence between us during lunch, shortly after I asked to spend the night, "What have you heard about me?" she averted her eyes and blushed, "So you know what I'm talking about. Out with it."

"I… don't think you… want to know," I adjust slightly in my seat. God, I can't stand this!

"I'm being serious right now. Tell me or get the hell away from me," I don't need 'friends' who can't tell me the truth.

"There's… a lot of rumors. Mostly about where you went," she's acting as if she's coughing up steel wool, "Some people say you were bar hopping and others say you were doing… worse things," she paused and I leaned forward. Our eyes met for an instant, but she got the clue to continue, "I know they're not true, so don't get mad at me."

"What worse things?"

"Drugs," she spat that out real quick… "Like, bad drugs. And… the things you had to do to pay for them. I think some girls started it since you broke up with Shinji. Some girls were jealous, so… yeah…" so the absolute worst rumor spreading is the true one. Great, just great.

"They're not rumors," I kept my strong stare as she looked up at me with an audible gasp. I absolute refuse to break my calmness… I'm not going to let this get to me! "See these?" I hold out my left arm and show her the shadow of a trail mark on my inner elbow, "But I wasn't a prostitute. Those are complete lies. The only thing I ever did was give a few lap dances," she couldn't even look at me anymore. I really don't care, seriously – I'm not about to hide from my past. I've done that in the past, and it never turns out well. Never.

"Is that why… you and Shinji…?"

"No, he knew. I broke up with him because he was sleeping around," while we're on the subject of truth, why not? "Remember that Mari girl from my birthday? Her. I was an idiot for not seeing it, but I learned my lesson. That's actually why I wanted to come over this weekend – so I didn't have to be around _him_. Don't feel bad, though, I'm sure he'll just stick inside his room like the coward he is," she still wasn't looking at me… I guess I should have seen this coming. Not like we were really close friends to begin with.

"I'm… sorry you went through that."

"There's nothing to apologize about, you didn't do anything wrong," I really didn't mean to sound that rude… I just can't help it! Too much crap is going on right now, and I just can't handle it.

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm still not over Shinji. I honestly loved that boy, at least as much as I'm able to love someone… that's why I've cried every night. The good news is that I've managed to keep it a secret from him – I'll be damned if he sees that it affected me. Misato, of course, found out that we broke up the very night it happened when she saw we weren't talking. At first, she must have thought we were just having one of our stupid fights. As if. Last night, she came into my room during one of my weeping sessions and I just unloaded everything on her… it felt good. She didn't even say anything, she just listened as I told her everything – how I was feeling, what he did, how stupid I felt, and even things I thought I was over like when I was away for that month. I'll bet anything she spoke to him that night about what he did, but that's only because I know her. He didn't say a word to me about anything.

And so here I am, divulging myself in that handheld videogame for the umpteenth time since I moved here. I don't even know what's going on in the game… I'm just staring at the pixels on the screen. Somehow, I've managed to find comfort in them – stupid, I know, but that's all there is to do around this apartment now. The hours have drifted away from me, and it's nearing six at night. I heard Shinji rustling about out there not too long ago, but it since stopped… it's better that way. I'd rather not think about him, but when that's not an option, keeping my senses free of him should be the minimum.

"This is Asuka," I answered the phone in a much more hasted manner than I would have preferred.

"Hey… can we talk?" didn't I explain to him what would happen if he spoke to me?

"You're five feet away, and you call me? Coward," I hang up the phone and toss it to my side. I somewhat have to take that coward statement back, because he somehow had enough spine to enter my room, "I have no vices with killing you, Shinji. People say that out of anger, but I've never been so sincere about something in my life," I don't look away from the game. I could see him out of the corner of my eye as I laid on my bed… he's just standing there… "In other words, get out."

"Can I at least apologize?"

"Why? You're not sorry. That's just your knee jerk reaction. If you were sorry, you would have done it once, felt bad, and stopped it after that. I probably would have forgiven you if you did that. But no, you and her were apparently making a habit of this, all the while calling me a whore even though you know damn well I never did that. You know everyone at school knows now, right? I'm the class slut, thanks to you," why can't I look at him?

"I never told anyone."

"Except her, and that's all it took. You know what gets under my skin more than anything? You told me you loved me. I don't know how you people do it over here, but where I'm from, that's a serious step. You don't tell someone you love them just to get in their pants. Of course, I should expect as much. Look at your father and Akagi. Now listen to me. Are you ready? This was a freebee. Talk to me again, see what happens," he took a breath to say something, "I swear to God, they won't find your body," I finally make eye contact with him, and he finally saw I was serious. Hanging his head like a child, he left the room and me. Not long after, the door slides back open, "Okay, fine," I toss the game to the side and look up to see a completely frightened bird peeking around the corner, "Oh… Pen-Pen…" we made eye contact for a short while before I sighed, "Fine, come on in," I swear, I didn't know an animal could be so happy, "But let's get something straight," I hold up my finger and he stops at the foot of my bed, "I'm not your mate. That was a misunderstanding. Okay? We can find you a nice girl penguin later, but for now, you're a pet and I'm an owner. Got me?" he nods, and I pat the side of my bed. Within seconds, he was snuggled up next to my thigh and closing his eyes. Even I have to admit, it's a cute bird. I still have no idea where in the world Misato got him, but I can see why she'd want one.

Sleep actually came soon after, and I'm really not sure why. Maybe it was my pseudo-closure with Ikari, or maybe it was the warm feathers on my hip… who knows? Regardless of why, I ended up getting a full night's sleep for once in about half a week. Since I went to bed at about seven, I ended up waking up just as the sun was rising… not too bad, I have to admit. I haven't watched a sunrise in years, and the mornings in Japan are always beautiful. I must have stood out on the balcony for the longest time, just staring at the orange and red clouds.

"You know, Pen-Pen," he was still by my side, "I'm not going to lie. I kind of miss where I was. I hated doing those things, but other than that, it was fun. Being alone, going out when I wanted, and the… well, you know. Honestly? If I could go back without having to do anything sexual, I would do it in a second. That's not really an option though, is it?" he tilts his head a little at my talking. This was clearly over his head, but it was nice to talk to someone, even if that someone was a bird.

"I went through my crazy days. Granted, it was in college and with alcohol, but still," I jump out of my skin at Misato's voice. Since when is she so quiet?

"Since when have you made it a habit to eavesdrop on people?" she stands next to me, placing her hands on the guard rail and staring out into the city.

"Since people wake me up at five in the morning. You're heavy-footed, Asuka, you should work on that," duly noted, "So, you'd go back, huh?"

"You heard what I said. But there's no chance of it – without money, there's no fun. I'm not about to go back to what I was doing before… that's something I'd rather just forget. I always felt like vomiting afterwards. I have no idea how women make a profession of that," why is she being so calm? Shouldn't she be lecturing me right now?

"That's never the plan. Girls don't wake up one morning and say 'Hey, I'm gonna go suck off a stranger today'. They fall into it for the money," and there it was, "Kind of like you."

"Well, I'm not about to do that. No, you don't have to worry, I'm here to stay… or, at least, until I go back to Germany or college. You should know me better than that, Misato," an almost painful silence fell over us. I was trying to be as casual with everything as I could, but I was failing. What scared me is that she wasn't – I've never seen her so calm.

"That's the problem. I _do_ know you. You're a girl that knows what she wants, and you're stubborn enough with yourself and others to get it," that's… not a lie, I suppose, "Do you want to move? You, Shinji and I? We could go to a better part of the city. Or leave the city all together if you want. Just so the temptation isn't there," I scoff at her suggestion. Really, how old does she think I am? Even if she was serious, which I know she's not, a person can find whatever they want wherever they are. They just have to be resourceful enough, "I'm not joking. Say the word and I'll tell our landlord."

"Misato, I'm fine, really. Just relax, I promise I'm not going anywhere."

"For my sake or yours? Because only one of those will last," I really couldn't answer that honestly to her or myself. I just froze, "How's school?" I saw what she was doing, but I played along.

"Good. Boring, as usual. I learned the other day Pen-Pen is trying to court me," that last part finally caught her attention and made her smirk, "Yeah, turns out those fish were his way of asking if I wanted to mate, and I said yes. Don't worry though, I explained everything to him last night, and he's cool now," I never thought those words would come out of my mouth, "How do you buy a pet and not know their behaviors?"

"He was given to me as a gift. His original owner died," I responded with an 'oh'… honestly, I didn't care too much about the backstory.

"I'm going to go back in bed and read or something – I don't want to run into _him_. I'll see you later," I wonder what the chances of him not waking up today are… slim, right? Hey, a girl can hope.

Life progressed; the natural ebb and flow of things eventually found their original rhythm. All the rumors about me around school stopped, either because people lost interest or forgot, and I was back to acting like a normal human being. Well, my definition of the word, anyway. It's been just under two weeks now, and Shinji still hasn't said a word to me – I'm extremely thankful for that. I think my little bit of advice stuck this time. He's become quite depressed lately, though; this past week, he's visited Rei's grave four times for hours on end. I really don't get it… there was no body, so why bother? Probably some ritual crap I don't understand, and quite frankly, I couldn't care less. That girl annoyed the crap out of me when she was alive, and even in death she finds a way.

I feel like I let myself down, because I allowed someone else to be correct over me. Misato knows what she's talking about, I'll say that much. It's nothing serious, just a little ganja with the occasional mushroom, but I'm essentially getting them for free. Someone more obsessed with the Evas than Kensuke called me up the other day – he apparently got my number from my old supplier. In exchange for stories, he gives me what I want. He's not particularly stingy about it, either. We just meet up on the roof of school, I tell him anything he wants to know (within reason, of course, due to the overall secrecy), and he pays for my information. It's no different than an informant, really.

At least, that's what I tell myself.

That's been going on for… a week and a half? Around there, I'm not sure. Something tells me this is going to stop real soon though. I'm starting to run out of things to say that wouldn't land me in federal prison for revealing. I suppose I could start lying, but he's the kind of kid that would know every detail the government released about the attacks, so if I slipped up even a little bit, he'd know. No, I'm thinking that this is about it for my party days… I suppose they were fun while they lasted.

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I seriously need to stop all of this. For one, it's just plain immature, but beyond that, I actually considered the other day giving him one of my old favors in exchange for his product. Once again, Misato was right – it doesn't start off that way, but it's going to end up there. After that, I cried again that night. It's absolutely ridiculous! I'm not even addicted at this point, and I'm already considering doing that? I'm sick! I mean Jesus, I kind of understood it when I was on the harder stuff, but this is child's play! No, seriously, I just need to stop and move on. It's not even hard – stop going to the roof. Stop picking up your phone. Just stop.

We were currently eating dinner at the now typically silent table, and I could tell that the other two noticed how I barely touched my food. I'm just so disgusted with myself that I don't even want to eat. I just want to go to bed, curl up, and never wake up… it'd be easier that way. By no means do I want to die, I just want all of this crap to go away.

"You two still aren't talking?" she asked this every single night, and every single night she got the same answer – no response, "Didn't think so. Any idea when this is going to blow over? I'm getting sick of the silence around here. It was better when you two were bickering constantly," still nothing, "Yeah… thought as much," I'm not about to apologize for anything. Shinji's the one that started all of this, and I'll be damned if I'm about to take the fall for it. She knows that too! She knows the whole story, and yet she's still trying to make _me_ feel bad about the situation. Whatever, I'm not falling for this crap.

"I'm going to bed," I was starving, having only eaten two bites of food, but I was in no mood for this.

-Present-

-Rei's Mind-

"That was the last night you saw her clean, wasn't it?" he, of course, didn't reply, "Almost a little ceremonious, if I do say so myself. It really would have been better for her to stay lost, though – all of your tampering in her life from that point on didn't help her. Though, there's no way you could have known that, so I don't blame you. I mean, you shouldn't feel all that bad about everything… she would have fallen eventually, you just happened to be the last straw," I so wished I could have told him that and made him understand. To this day, he still blames himself for everything.

-Four Years Ago-

-Misato's Place, Misato's Mind-

And there she goes again. I was the first to realize she was gone this morning, but really, I'm actually surprised she lasted this long. She got a taste of the wild life; a lot of girls don't come back from that. The mothering side of me feels bad I couldn't have changed her, but the human side of me says let her go. She was only caring when she wanted to be, and that whole escapade of her threatening Shinji's life was just going too far, regardless of what he did. I'm not about to say that I'm glad she's gone, but I think it'll be better for her this way. Let her spend a few nights out in the rain or in a man's bed – she'll be sure to come back eventually. It's cruel, yes, but sometimes children just have to learn the hard way. I know damn well I was the same way, so I can't persecute her for following in my footsteps.

That's how I initially felt, but then a few days turned into a week. And that week turned into a month. That's when I started to get worried for both her and Shinji. He completely blames himself for her leaving, and I've gone as far as to hide anything so much as resembling a knife in this apartment – I don't trust him in the least. He's had a past full of depression, and this could be the one thing to set him off. I put out a missing child alert the third day she was gone, but in a city like this, people are only found if their stupid or want to be found. Asuka doesn't fit either one of those criteria. The overall search was called off the other day, and the only remnants of our efforts are a few posters around the city that are sure to be water damaged to the point that they're blobs of black ink by now. One of the policemen, luckily, was able to speak German semi-fluently, so a call home to her stepmother was made to let her know of the situation. From what I could gather over the phone, she was ready to start hyperventilating. I know that's not her real mother, but Jesus Asuka, have some consideration.

We now round the third month since her disappearance. Life has resumed to normalcy without her – almost everyone except Shinji has accepted the fact that she's either dead or gone for good. We've all fallen into our daily routines that were once littered with encounters with her, which was more of an undertaking than I originally thought. We still set out a plate for her at all meals, but we stopped filling it with food months ago. Accepting that she was gone was… like losing a child, I would imagine. I haven't had to do something like that since my father, and even then I knew that he was dead. She could be out there doing God knows what, and there's nothing I can do to protect her.

My monthly beer bill has almost doubled.

I try to spark up conversations with Shinji, but all of his answers are monosyllables in nature, and that's not exactly easy to force for very long. I don't blame him for being depressed, but really, he's going to have to snap out of it eventually. The way I see it, I completely believe that he knows something he's not telling us. Maybe she contacted him, maybe they ran into each other, I have no idea, but I can just tell that there's something going on in that brain of his.

The last three weeks I've made it a habit to drive around the shadier parts of the city, hoping to catch a glimpse of red that could possibly be her. I know this is just a foolish dream, but it helps me sleep at night, and that's all that matters to me. So far, all I've come across are people staring at me like I was in the wrong neighborhood. I was, absolutely. Seriously, I need to stop this – I'm going to get killed out here driving a car like this.

After six months of this bull with Shinji, I finally forced him to visit a psychiatrist to try and get some help. The first day, he apparently bawled his eyes out. The next day wasn't much better. The doctor put him on a regiment of antidepressants – she called whatever he has by some long medical term I'll never remember, but it essentially boiled down to him not being able to move on from the connection he had with her. The scary part to all of us is that no body resembling her has been found, regardless of the fact that at least a dozen homeless people die on the streets every week and are brought to the morgue. That means she's out there, and that, in turn, means she's doing things she can never take back.

I could see a change in Shinji's attitude almost immediately after he started taking the pills. In my opinion, I think he used them as a crutch, because there's no way his complete attitude can change in an hour. As if it matters – so long as it helps him, I'm on board. Three months later, he was deemed healthy enough to stay off them for good, and so far I completely agree with the bill of health. He even has a girlfriend at school now; nothing serious, but it's a huge step for him after losing Asuka.

-Three Years Ago-

-Asuka's Mind-

"Hey Red, how much?" I'm not used to seeing new faces on this block. I have a pretty steady clientele, and this guy is far from my normal. Clean cut, young, and even a little handsome. He's probably just looking for a bachelor party.

"Depends on what you want. No sex, so just keep driving if that's what you're looking for," a smile crossed his face. Thank God I just hit up, this is going to be a long night…

A/N – Not the last chapter! Close, but not yet. Check out the next chapter, "Ermorden, Selbstmord" – until then, keep on keepin' on!

A/A/N – In case you haven't figured it out, all the titles of the chapters (omit the first chapter) have German names. If you want a huge clue as to what's going to happen, look them up!


	7. Ermorden, Selbstmord

Chapter 7: Ermorden, Selbstmord

-Three Years Ago-

-Asuka's Mind-

I have to say, I'm pretty damn proud of myself considering the circumstances. A year and a half on the streets and I'm still a virgin – sure, there were a few close calls, but that's why I started carrying around a taser for the more pushy clients. My appearance has somehow managed to stay fairly decent through all of this, which surprised even me. I get my clothes at a nearby consignment store, and if a person were to just pass me on the streets, they'd have no idea that I was homeless. Food comes about every other day, but on occasion I'm able to eat two days in a row. I'm not starving by any means, I _choose_ not to eat most of the time. The money is certainly there, I just put it towards more important things – you can imagine what that is.

I made a conscious effort to not go back to whatever I injected myself with the first few times before Shinji found me. I still have no idea what it was, but there's no way I'm going back to it. In fact, I refuse to even touch anything to do with needles. No, these days my drugs of choice are either cocaine or marijuana, depending on what's there. Hell, if I have access to it, I'll do ecstasy or mushrooms, but those are rare drugs around this area. I still don't consider myself a prostitute; what I'm doing is far from illegal. This city is riddled with strip clubs, I'm just not nearly old enough to get hired into one.

Am I addicted? I suppose so, yes. It's not like I need multiple hits every hour or something crazy like some other people around here, but I can't really see myself going a day without something. It doesn't even really matter what it is, as long as it affects me somehow. I guess I'm pretty lucky that I'm good looking, because if I wasn't, this whole lap dance nonsense wouldn't take me very far. I have essentially the same clients that usually all come around the weekends – most of them are some scum business man that gets off on the sight of young girls. Pedophiles, every single one of them. At most, I look eighteen, and even that's stretching it; the first man I saw that was under thirty came last night and took me to a bachelor's party. Only half the men there were interested in me in the least – they could see how old I was, and I respected them for that. However, it didn't stop me from doing my job for the other half.

I've really lost track on how long I've been out here… longer than a year, I'm sure. Misato and Shinji were clearly looking for me at one point, but they apparently gave up. Can't say I blame them, and it's not like I even want to come home.

I try not to think about what I am, because when I do, all I do is cry. There's really no getting around the fact that I'm a junkie, and it sickens me. Even after all this time, I still can't look myself in the mirror – literally. When I use bathrooms, I keep my eyes on the floor so I don't catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror-lined public restrooms. I think it all started to catch up to me when Toji and I saw each other a few months ago. It was across the street, but our eyes certainly locked, and he knew who I was. He knew what I was doing, getting into that car. I really hope he didn't tell Shinji… I'd rather he just think that I'm dead.

I've… moved on from him. The hatred, that is. I see men constantly picking me up who clearly have wives or about to get married, and they're willing to risk their freedom in order to have a good time. What Shinji did wasn't against the law, and while it was still wrong, I forgive him for it. That's not me lying to myself, either. I suppose it really doesn't matter, though… not like I'll ever see him again. God, it hurts to even think that.

Several months have passed since that young man picked me up, and he's become one of my regular clients, though it's obviously just for him. I really prefer it this way – I feel a lot less dirty when it's not with someone old enough to be my father. I can tell he's trying to get me to do more with him; he's constantly paying way more than the price I told him, he occasionally has food for me, and he's even given me a few drugs from time to time. He never tells me that's what he wants, but I can just see it in his eyes. Maybe I should stop going to him… he's only going to take rejection for so long.

My current 'home' is in an abandoned apartment away from everything on the top floor. All the abandoned houses are absolutely full of drug dealers and bums, but luckily, no one knows about this place and I have it all to myself. There's obviously no bed, but it keeps me warm and dry, so that's all I need. The nights in here… they make you think. About what to do next. About your future. About what once was. And how you could end it all. The rope is still hanging from the support beam.

I made it a strong point to not make any friends out here – the only people I talk to are my clients. Call me a hypocrite, but I don't want any friends that are junkies. Hell, I wouldn't even want myself as a friend right now, so it's not like I'm denying that I hate myself. I almost, _almost_, went over to Misato's place just to let them know I'm alright and, at the very least, alive. I opted against it, because I'm sure they'd get physical with me in an attempt to stay, and I refuse to go through that. I even considered just dropping a note in the mailbox, but I reasoned that it's better if they just continue thinking that I'm dead. I'm sure they've both moved on by now, and I really shouldn't mess with that.

At least, that's what I thought. He didn't tell me how he found me, but I'm sure Toji told him what area he saw me in. From that point it would just be a matter of waiting around until I showed myself. Shinji was oddly casual about everything – we spoke as if we just saw each other earlier that morning. He didn't ask about any of the elephants in the room, he only made sure that I was okay and all that. I, of course, told him that I was fine and that I didn't want him coming around here anymore. My reasoning was that it was a bad area, which isn't a lie, but I also just couldn't bear to see him. Through our time away from each other, he clearly grew spine, because he came back a few more times before I up and switched areas so he couldn't find me. It was for his own protection… I swear.

He finally did it – the young guy finally tried to force himself on me. Thank God for that taser. I held it on him so long he actually passed out, and I robbed him blind. I left the two credit cards in his wallet, but he carried around a large sum of paper money that could hold me over for quite some time. I took his phone, but only to look at the date – 12.27.2017. I've been out here two years? Jesus, I can't believe that… I mean, I knew it was a long time, but… damn. I lost my emotional control after seeing that… the phone was left in pieces on the floor.

I can't do this anymore. I'm done lying to myself and saying that everything is alright. I'm a drug addict! A prostitute! I'm the absolute scum of the earth kids hear about on movies! But I can't take that realization… for the first time, I bought that black crap with the needle. It felt… good. It felt really good. So good, in fact, I didn't even move from my spot on the floor in the apartment the entire day. I would just hit up again every time the effects were beginning to wear off… best day of my life. If I'm going to go out, I might as well go out with a bang, right? I still can't stop crying, though. I wish I could stop crying… at least one last time, I want to be happy. My cheeks were filled with tears, and with the syringe in hand and the needle resting on the skin, I manage to break a small smile.

"Shinji…" it didn't take too long.

-One Year Ago-

-Omnipresent-

"Doctor Jun Mayuki, December twenty-ninth, twenty-two hundred hours. The woman brought in last night appears to be between the ages of seventeen and twenty. Red hair, blue eyes, sixty-five inches tall. No ID present at time of recovery, fingerprint analysis is expected to get back today."

"Doctor, this is As-" the doctor shot a glare at the intern holding the tape recorder.

"I know who she looks like, thank you. You should learn to not jump to conclusions. If this is the pilot, her fingerprints will be on record. Did you check for signs of aggravated assault?" the intern flips through her notes.

"Yes, and there's not a bruise on her. In fact, the only marks on her were the needle marks on her inner arm, and they were all done less than a day before death. Several drugs were in her blood – cocaine, marijuana, and heroin were in the highest quantities," the medical examiner jotted a few nearly useless notes in her book.

"Stupid question, but what of her virginity?"

"Actually, she's still a virgin," the doctor's eyebrows raised, "Yeah, that's what I thought. I don't know where she got the money for the drugs – maybe a family member. But back on topic, the cause of death was a massive overdose of tar heroin. There was enough in her blood to take down a horse; she must have taken it in all at once to have that kind of effect. Why is she even here? It's no wonder how she died, I mean really…"

"Because she looks like a pilot, and we need to bring someone in to confirm it. I think it's her mother, but I'm not sure," she was nearly cut off by the intercom on her desk.

"Doctor, Misato Katsuragi is here."

"Scratch that, not mother. Apparently her guardian. Send her in," the Major was directed by the front desk on where to go. In the back of her mind, she always knew this day was coming, it was just a matter of time. In the brief instant she saw Asuka on the table through the glass on the door, her heart sank. She entered the room, but made every effort to keep her eye on the doctor. She may have known this day was coming, but she was far from ready for it, "Major Katsuragi, thank you for coming in. This shouldn't take more than a second," it made Misato's skin crawl at how all this sounded like picking up fast food. How could she be so casual?

"That's her," she finally gained the courage to look down at the pale girl, "That's Asuka."

"Full name please."

"Huh? O-Oh… Asuka Langley Shikinami," the doctor held out a clipboard and pen, clearly wanting her to sign on the dotted line. She didn't even glance at the words, "Is that all? When can we have… her body? For the funeral."

"Probably by the end of the day. I'll have my assistant give you a call when it's time. If you don't have any questions, you can go now," if this were under different circumstances, Misato knew that the doctor would have been on the floor by now. The way she was acting made the Major sick to her stomach.

"How did she…?"

"Massive overdose of heroin. Also, she was a virgin, in case you were wondering," that was going to be her next question, "That's about all I can tell you. A full report will be mailed to you after we release the body. Have a good day," shaking her hand made Misato feel like she needed a shower – and not because of the overwhelming stench of death radiating off the doctor. Her drive home was torturous… Shinji was just beginning to get back to his normal self, and now this happens. And it's not like she can just not tell him; there's going to be a funeral. He'll probably end up getting all depressed again… and right during the most important year of high school. If his grades slip now, he'll never get into college. Not that he even wanted to go, but the fear of his guardian made it so he planned on applying to at least one school.

"Shinji… we need to talk," even a complete stranger could tell by the tone in her voice something was horribly wrong. He sat on the sofa across from her as she tried to gather the words, "It's Asuka."

"They found her?" the excitement in his voice and the smile on his face only made things worse, "Where is she? Is she alright?"

"She's… gone, Shinji," his smile and stomach sunk, "She died a couple of days ago. I'm… sorry, I really am," he fell back in the sofa with a dead look on his face. Just like Misato, he knew this day was going to come eventually, "They said she didn't go painfully, and that she was still a virgin. So it wasn't as bad as what we thought," she left out the part about suicide. He can go without knowing that, "Shinji?"

"I'm… fine, don't worry about it," whenever he says that, it's a cue for her to begin worrying about it, "Misato?"

"Hm?" she looked up to see his eyes watering over.

"I really loved her, I swear. I didn't mean to make her run away… I'm sorry…" she gets up and takes him into a hug. At least, this time, he was letting it out.

-Present-

-Rei's Mind-

He must have cried into Misato's shoulder for three hours… it was crazy to see him like that, and I hated it. That was the first time I just removed myself from the situation – I had to leave, if only for a little while. I couldn't bear to see him like that. Thankfully, he was detached enough from Asuka by that point that he got over it within weeks after the funeral. It was the first and last time he met her stepparents, though only basic formalities were exchanged between the two – they didn't speak a word of Japanese, and he knew barely enough German to say 'hello' and 'goodbye', along with a few phrases in between. He broke up with his girlfriend the day after he found out Asuka died, and that clearly wasn't a coincidence. He stayed single right up until this point.

Watching him at the funeral was the first time I actually cried while in this body – or, rather, lack thereof. He hated how she looked in that coffin; defenseless and just not herself. The funeral was barely allowed to be open casket; the corpse dresser did a damn good job hiding all the lines and bags on her face, and most people didn't notice, but Shinji sure as hell did. At one point, when he knew no one was looking, he put his hand on her face and slipped a small note in her casket. To this day, I still have no idea what it said… some things are better left to him and him alone. I owe him at least that much.

Shinji moved out of Misato's apartment not long after – no more than six months. He got a job as the assistant manager at some bar, which in retrospect was good, seeing as it forced him to be social. It also gave Misato a damn good excuse to visit him, which he also enjoyed. Since he moved out on his own, I can tell he's matured greatly in this short amount of time. In fact, it's almost amazing.

"One hundred and ten calories… Jesus…" he reads the back of the now-empty bottle of beer. It's the only one he drank all night, and his date apparently never came. He set the table up and everything, but never did anything with it, "All that trouble to make food… what a waste. I'm not even hungry though," you haven't eaten all day! "Maybe Misato would like to come over… no, too much trouble if she wants to stay the night," he goes about like this every time he's alone. Why bother thinking when you can keep yourself company by talking? I went through the same thing shortly after I died.

"Just invite her, she'd love to see you."

"You know Asuka, I don't know how you had the nerve to do it. I've been sitting here all night, made food, even had a beer, and I still can't even stand up. Strong woman, I suppose," wait… what? "I'm just really done with everything, you know? I don't see the point in all of this. Where's God's punishment for everything I've done? After you died, I honestly thought I'd see some retribution, but no. I hope you came to forgive me, though, even if I don't deserve it. You may not have believed me after what I did, but I really did – _do_ love you. And that's why, you understand?" he chuckled to himself as he finally stands up, stretching his arms over his head, "I'm sure you're calling me an idiot right now. Ironic how things come to a head, I think."

"Shinji… just go to bed, okay? Or call Misato, please. Something," still wearing that damn smile, he walks into the kitchen and takes a steak knife out of the drawer. He examined it like some sick machinist, "Shinji, listen to me! She forgave you! She didn't blame you! She loved you too! Please, please listen! Hear me!" my throat feels like it's on fire and my eyes are spewing tears. He can't… he can't do this…

"Misato will be furious with me, but I'm sure she's expecting it," please stop, "I'm going to burn for what I did to you, Asuka. I love you."

"Stop!" I had to watch him… I had to watch him pull the blade across his throat. I was forced to watch every drop of blood, every twitch of his muscle, and the paling of his face and eyes as he died. I wasn't even talking anymore, I was just screaming at the top of my lungs. I can't believe this… how did I not see this coming? "Come on!" I tried doing whatever in the world I did to Asuka, but something was different. I just couldn't get ahold of him… "Shinji! Just wake up!" I'm no god, I can't perform miracles. I can't even save him… I can't even help the man I love! He doesn't want to die! He wants Asuka! That's all he ever wanted! "Just come back!"

My body aches and my mind burns, like nothing I've ever gone through before. I wanted this more than anything else – more than him, more than being alive, and more than any of this life I claim as a god. I tried harder than I've ever done, and in the end, all I saw was a flash of a photo before everything went black permanently.

-Present-

-Asuka's Mind-

"It's your turn," I roll over in bed with a groan as the baby monitor on our nightstand echoes the cries of an infant. Yawning, he gets out of bed to tend to the baby. I can't believe we put ourselves through this again… two kids after only five years? Honestly, I need to start birth control or something. Not like it'll matter any time soon – between Kahl, who just turned five and is in the phase of wandering the house at two in the morning, and Rei, who's bawling her eyes out at the same hour, we'll never have time to ourselves anymore. Though, I can't say I'd have it any other way.

Since the day I married him, every day has been a blessing. I'm not just saying that in some corny, nonsensical fashion – I honestly feel lucky for everything, and I've never known why. Someone must have been watching out for us, because things just worked out too perfectly. Two healthy children and a happy marriage? People are lucky to get one of those.

Don't get me wrong though – not everything has been rainbows and sunshine. There was, after all, the whole escapade of me going off for almost two years on a drug binge. I still have a faint scar on my inner arm to prove it. I wear it like a badge, though… it shows that I overcame it. And how much Shinji cared about me. I don't remember a single second of it, but he apparently found me just as I injected myself with enough heroin to take down a horse. Amazing what modern medicine can do. From there, I spent a few months in rehab, which was absolute hell. After that, I moved in with Shinji; he apparently grew up while I was away and got his own place. Go figure. Less than a year later, he proposed to me, and we've been like this since. The weirdest part about anything, though, is that he said he still doesn't know why he went into that abandoned apartment. He was walking home from school and decided to take the long way in the hopes of seeing me. For some reason, he said something told him to go into that apartment… he didn't hear a sound, didn't hear me crying, and certainly didn't _want_ to go into a creepy, drug-filled complex. He just did, and not a minute too soon. If he had even stayed at school five minutes longer, I would have died right then and there.

We celebrated Shinji's twenty-fifth birthday today, but the majority of it was spent tending after Rei. Naming her that was somewhat of a whim on our behalf. As I grew up, I realized what everyone else already did: she was the only pilot to actually die in combat. As much as I hate to admit it, we'd all be dead without her. I think naming a child after her is the least we could do. He insisted on naming our first baby something German, so that name was pretty much left to me – I ended up going with Kahl, mainly because I've always liked the name.

"She's hungry," he whispers through the room to me after returning several minutes later.

"How can you possibly know that? You speak baby?" he rolled his eyes at me. He's always been the more instinctual one with our children – somehow, someway, he can determine what they want based off a cry. I've heard of mothers being able to do that, but it all just sounds like noise to me. I suppose you couldn't call me the nurturing type… more of the mother bear type. I love both of my children to death, and I'd kill anyone who would try to hurt them, but I just don't feel comfortable _showing_ how much I love them. It's something I'll grow into, I'm sure.

As fate would have it, both children take after me drastically. Apparently the German genes are strong. Kahl has slightly darker hair than mine, but it's still plenty red. His eyes are more hazel than blue, but still a far throw from Shinji's brown eyes and hair. Rei is an exact copy of me – hell, I'd venture to say her eyes are bluer than mine. I only have two baby pictures of myself, but from what I can gather, I looked exactly like her when I was an infant. Shinji's going to have to beat the boys off with a stick when the time comes.

I finish the feeding and make a mental note to either buy a breast pump or formula, because this breast feeding crap isn't cutting it. That and now I'm wide awake, and I have to work tomorrow. Perfect.

"Sorry about that. I'd feed her if I could," we crawl back into bed in hopes that we can finish off the three hours of night before the workday starts.

"I'm sure you would. I bet you'd like to carry them around for nine months, too. I'm not joking, Shinji, no more kids. I'm done. My womb is shutting down shop for the next seventy years. Got me?" he lets out a laugh, "Oh sure, they're cute and everything when they're out, but everything leading up to that is hell. Plus, there's no way we'll get a better family picture than the one Misato orchestrated, so we might as well just leave well enough alone," yeah, not wanting to take another picture is reason enough to stop having kids, right?

But seriously, I make it a strong note to look at that picture every night before I go to sleep. It's right next to my alarm clock – it's the last thing I see before falling asleep, and the first thing I see in the morning. After all those years without a family, I finally have one of my own, and there's nothing that could ever take that away from me. Nothing.

"Night, Shinji," I pull the string on the lamp, sending the room into darkness… I couldn't help but feel as if someone was smiling down on me, and it felt heavenly.

A/N – There we go! How'd you all like it? I _told_ you that you didn't know what was going to happen! Hell, some of you probably still have no idea, but think hard enough about it and you'll get it. As a side note, I'll probably be starting up a new story in the near future, so keep an eye out for that. Thanks for reading this far, and keep on keepin' on!


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